This is Life... And more to it!

The dirty, sneaky lil grease devil

2011-08-25T22:03:00.005+08:00

it's a hot and humid day in Bahrain today. no, let me rephrase. it's freakin' blazing! (this info has totally no relevance to my entry today, but i had to emphasize that the heat is totally seeping into my brain)

So, i was working from home today when the Sri Lankan housekeeper, Fatima walked in. After she'd busied herself with the cleaning and mopping and washing, she sat down next to me and asked for a favor. here's what become of a conversation that changed my normal day into an abnormal one:

Fatima: Can you help me go to the internet? i have important news from home that i need to check. i've been asking my son to help me, but he's been busy you know? He's busy working and then at night he runs around with his gang.

v: Sure, what do you want me to look up for?

Fatima: *Now eyes wide open and whisper in a hushed tone* Can you look for 'The grease devil in Sri Lanka?'

v: Huh? What devil?

Fatima: Shhhh... *putting finger to lips* GREEEASE devil. you know, this devil comes in a form of a man covered in grease (now orang minyak from one of those P. Ramlee movies came to mind) and he's been running around in rural Sri Lanka biting woman on their neck and their chest (seriously, the chest? Erghh, this must be one little pervy ghost) and then steals their goods. My sister told me she almost got attacked last week but she was lucky because she managed to get up and scream for help. Ya Allah, may God protect her. *she started tearing up now*

v: Huh? Hmmm.. Okay... Why? *now googling GREASE DEVIL SRI LANKA*

But Fatima, you know that ghost doesn't exist right? And even if they do, i don't think they are allowed to harm human beings, like physically. Maybe these are just thieves who wants to dramatize their little outings.

We had a back and forth talk about how this is real and unreal- the more i tried to console her and tell her that this is all made up, the more hysterical she becomes.

Now, how do you explain to someone that she has no reason to worry about her relatives because really, these ghost aren't really running around trying to bite them in their chest and neck? How do i tell her that instead of buying books and books of Quran and storing them under every pillow in the house, they should start buying bigger padlocks? How do i tell her that if there is anything she should be worried about, it would be mortals rather than spirits? And with all her arguments, she'd totally poison my food if i told her that her sister was probably too terrified of all these stories that she was starting to imagine things. (you callin' my sister crazy now, you bitch? lols)

In the end, i zipped my little mouth because really, what's the point? sometimes, when people believe in something, so bad, no amount of logical explanation is ever going to change anything, anyway.

So this is what i think: the grease devil or the orang minyak isn't real. As much as there is no amount of convincing that can convince Fatima about the non-existence of these ghosts, it isn't gonna convinced me the other way round either: unless, until proven otherwise :)

past tense

2011-08-25T15:19:00.004+08:00

"It is not your past that makes you who you are; It is the way you deal with it."

When someone isn't letting you into their past, you won't be invited into their future.

of Character and such.

2011-07-30T12:13:00.005+08:00

There was a big footie match between Malaysia and Singapore on the 28th July 2011 and there's just massive hoohhaa throughout the country. Me being totally oblivious to these happenings, i was just glad that the malls were emptiers and the roads calmer.

I left the office, had dinner, came home and had a rather insignificant evening.

But at 11-ish when i was just about to go to bed, i went through my Facebook via my blackberry. You know what they say, you can judge a person's character by judging the way they react towards the smallest things in life, i.e a football match. Here are the entries that caught my eyes. Some just startlingly unbelievable and some are just downright offensive - and it really show one's true color.

Entry one:

"Puk***k punya SingaPURAPURA. Pandai belakon je-main macam puk***k, aku sumpah kapal terbang kau meletup!"

My thoughts: WTF?!!! Dude, as if cursing on FB isn't bad enough, you wish DEATH upon the players? and btw, you're also probably wishing death upon all the other 200 passenger on that KL-SIN flight. You are SICK in the head! Why are you even my friend on Facebook? Now, where's the delete button *delete* Urrghhh...

Entry Two:

(note: this is written by a Malaysian man): Hoorayy!! Malaysia kalah! padan muka! padan muka! The tiger has been tamed and put in place by the lion. Malaysia, you're a loser country in every other way.

My thoughts: Dude! WTF? you're a Malaysian living in Malaysia and you wanna kutuk your own country? if Malaysia is such a bad place to live in, nobody's gonna stop you from leaving.. you know how people always glorify being in a different country? Well, try living there for a while and see if you like it? if yes, suit yourself, but don't stay in this damned land and bitch about it *roll eyes* you ungrateful biotech.

Entry Three:

"Negara bangsa bodo: Kau orang ni sama macam pemain Chealsea bangsa syaitan tu"

My thoughts: Fuc*** racist. Need i say more? *delete* Please note that this person is real life is a pretty decent person. OF course, he may look totally decent but who knows, maybe when he turned his back on me, he's probably thinking 'Freaking bidayuh people, go back to your own land!' i HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR RACISTS & RACISM of any kind. p/s: and dude i really cant see the connection between a football game and races.

See, there's a very thin line between being passionate and being sick in the head.The way you react towards a person doesn't show the other person's character, it shows yours.

Being a very competitive person myself, i have had been in many situations where i was on the losing end. OF course, it would be lie to say it doesn't sting that ego (ouch!). However, i would always manage to smile and say 'Good game, lets do it again soon' and i'll come back with a vengeance! *rawwwrrrr* Thinking back, even when the score was totally flawed, i have NEVER ever wish my opponents unwell, especially NOT death.

So the question is: You can embrace all that passion and be totally enveloped in the euphoria of winning or losing. But where does it stop for you? What's your thin line? When you wish for something bad for someone over one game (or perhaps two), how do you live with your conscience? At the end of the day, was it all worth it?

keep the happy juice flowing

2011-07-27T12:24:00.006+08:00

So, i heard about a group of girls who went to Cambodia and ate a whole 'happy herb pizza' and some 'happy banana milkshake.' But why'd they do that you may ask? Well, maybe they were bored, or perhaps curious, but i guess it must be the overrated 'things you MUST do in Cambodia' recommendations that GOT them..

But anyway, the idea of this story is so that you know what to expect if you're itching to give it a try. You MUST remember that smoking weed has a totally different effect in comparison with consuming it orally (be it a warm slice of happy brownie, a happy herb pizza or a yummy glass of happy banana milkshake). The intensity of smoking it up is probably only 20% of the oral consumption effect and the after effect of oral consumption last way, way longer.

Here's what you need to know:

1-2 hours upon consumption: Feeling rather lost and confused

3-5 hours upon consumption: increased heart rate & massive paranoia. this is the part when your heart drums like it's about to explode from your chest and your paranoia starts telling you that you'll die from this condition. Your thought will race from one to another without stop and you think you'll go crazy from the thinking. Hallucination may happen. you can't focus on anything because you keep losing your train of thoughts.

6-8 hours: you'll probably have to force yourself to go to bed because by now, you are certain that you'll die or go crazy. but the moment you manage to calm down and close your eyes, you'll start spiraling in and out a dream filled sleep.

the next day when you wake up: you feel a lot better. you are calmer but you feel kind of drunk. everything seems rather slow- slurry speech, delayed reaction, acute tiredness. you'll feel like this all day! *please note that this is NOT a good feeling.

the day after next: just when you thought, 'oh i'm sure this is gonna go away today, it has been 3 days anyway!' you slug yourself through what seems to be normal life feeling tired and sluggish. sometimes you hear a buzz in your head and sometimes you are just slow and calm. (This is the part when you are worried sick but still sane enough to google 'effect of m* via oral consumption' and realized there's a bunch of idiots who's done it and been through the same hell as you did and you'll start wondering why you didn't google this earlier.

FYI, (i feel a need to scare you a bit), there has been quite a few cases of people who has got panic attacks from this condition and check themselves into the hospital to get help.

So the moral of the story, boys and girls, is "SAY NO TO DRUGS!"

Now kids, i'm dead serious, If you ever feel gungho-ly adventurous, please don't be a dumb-ass: at least google and be aware of what you're getting yourself into. Till then, keep the happy juice flowing- we have totally no need for those not-so-happy pizza!!!

My sister.

2011-06-21T16:34:00.008+08:00

This is my story about what it is being family.

i was arranging for buying an apartment this week. Due to some miscommunication and delayed paper arrangement, i was suddenly told that i needed to prepare a certain amount of cash by tomorrow-failing which, my deposit will be forfeited. and mind you, this is not the kind of cash you'll find lying around in the spare drawer or in the car glovebox.

And me, being me, started hyperventilating and panicking like a mad cow.

I have no idea where to get that much cash within the next 19 hours so i started panicking and crying and just to vent it out, i called my younger sister and told her my situation. You see, my sister is the last person i'd ask money from (no pun intended), she's a mother (a good one at that) who pays for everything: her house, her car, her child and i know she wouldn't have that much reserve. After listening at my hysteria-filled complaints, she just told me to be patient.

3 hours later, she called and told me that she's kindda digged out of her own savings and asked some friends to lend her some cash and it all adds up enough to lend them to me: only to find out later that i have already gotten my finances sorted out.

The bottom line is: She's totally pulled a surprising act on me, yet again. I am totally speechless (and eternally grateful). When she didn't have the resources, when she didn't need to, when she's busy worrying about her own issues- she put a pause to all that and started worrying about my problem. Not only did she made these inconvenient sacrifices, but she also asked her friends for help, which, i felt, was totally senseless!

So, to me, this is what being family is all about: It simply means doing things that doesn't necessarily make sense, for each other.

Thanks Jules, for being such an awesome, unpredictable sister.

Because one day...

2011-06-17T17:51:00.000+08:00

"This is the thing about having kids, or having a child closest to your own. As much as you hate admitting it, You know that you can't keep them forever. "

Because One Day...

You'll grow up and realized that it isn't cool to go dancing with your aunty anymore.

You're gonna start wanting to hang out with hot girls your age-not someone 25 years older.

You're gonna think our little kite-flying, surfing and rock-climbing club, just me and you, isn't as cool as football with the boys.

You'll start having a Life. Real everyday issues to deal with, real dilemmas, real pain~ and i know i can't make it all better with just one kiss.

i'll wonder if i had done right by you.

Because one day, i'll have a gazillion questions about us: What i've done & what i could've done. But at least i know, as of for now, i've tried my very best to be the best aunty in the world.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

2011-06-14T17:30:00.000+08:00

Ohhhmmmm....

2011-05-09T17:23:00.005+08:00

Okay, i know this is going to sound a little CULT-like. But well, i'd like to tell you anyway.

This happens a few months ago during one of my soul searching moment, i was at a really quiet and mystical place, just right at the edge of the earth-where no one goes.

And so i met a monk. Yuppers, no bullshit, and he was slipper-less, dressed in one of those orange robe, with a clean shaven head and a face without expression. There is just something rather ghostly and scary about that. And then yiddy yidda,yappa yappa... and i'm suddenly in his meditation class (please don't ask me why i do such ridiculous & contradictory things).

There there i was, sitting in a small meditation class, consisting of 5 other people thinking 'hell, what did i get myself into?' and then the 'Ohhhhhhmmmmmm' and 'Kching' 'Ding' 'Ding' 'tek' 'tek''tek' happens. (lols.. kching and ding is the sound of the occasional bells and up til today, the tek.. tek.. tek.. still baffles me!) and that whole stillness and random chanting went on and on and on for about an hour: i believed i slipped in and out of a spiral-like coma and every time i emerge out of my sleep, i kept wondering if i SNORED,. I seriously doubt that my first acquaintance with meditation was anywhere near THE ultimate meditation experience. When it ended, i felt more restless and confused and worried rather than feeling enlightened.

So then this great skinny bold monk started to speak and of course, i was so busy drifting in and out of my great wild imaginary adventures, that i hardly hear anything he said. And then suddenly my eyes got fixated to a blonde man sitting at the other side of the room, i saw him raise his hand and spoke:

Blonde Man: "My great guru, can you please tell me where do i find God?"

Monk: "Where do you think you can find God? God lives in you."

Blonde Man: "Yes, but i believe many people find it challenging to bring that 'God' out of you. Would living in solitary for say a month, in a temple in Tibet, help? Maybe get your mind of insignificant things and focus on the bigger picture?"

Monk: "So you think God lives in Tibet?"

Blonde Man: "No, i mean, just a solitary place. Not necessarily Tibet."

Monk: "Well to be honest, you're asking the ultimate 'Where is God' question. But the answer is rather simple."

Veronica's head: "Whhoaahh.. this is getting really deep and i think he's gonna say something really ridiculous now. *Grin*"

Monk: "Before i start, i need to tell you again, that i am NOT here to teach you religion. Meditation is NOT religion. You need to know your religion. Every man must have a religion to guide him and to seek direction. Meditation is a form of quiet moment where one search deep into his soul and connect and reinstate with what he believes in.

And where is God?

Many people has all sort of fancy stories and theories on how they find God. They don an orange robe and climb the mountains of Tibet, they live in basic solitary in the temples of India. They thought then, that they have found God but when they get home into real life, it becomes a blur and all chaotic again. Why are you here? Did you think being in a room with a monk would lead you to God?'

Veronica's head: "HHmmm... *Serious Face* "

Monk: "Now, let me tell you where God is.

When you look at the bible, it's so simple that people just read pass it. It say God is LOVE. In the Quran, it say God is LOVE. and Love is God. and that simply means, if you love and be in the state of love in the purest form, you are in the presence of God."

Blonde Man: "But how do we know when we are in the state of pure love? i mean, what is the definition of love anyway?"

Monk: "This is quite simple. Now, why don't we all close our eyes. i want you to think of a person that you love beyond life. I mean okay, if this is the end of the world and you are the chosen one to be safe, but you are allowed to give up that place for a replacement person. can you think of someone? A child? A parent? A friend? Can you think of a person that you love so purely that you'd give up everything for him or her in a heart beat?

Now, think of this image and i want you to feel all that you feel for this person, imagine reaching out to this person and holding him or her. Feel that emotion and bond-and if you'd like to say something to this person, say it"

And so i closed my eyes, for a few seconds, i really can't think of anyone that i'd die for: And then an image of my 7 year old nephew, Joel came into my head and, i just started crying. I cried because i'd give up anything for him, a thousand times over. Even if i'd have to die a million times, i'd do it again and again. I mean even as i am writing this, i am pretty overwhelmed with love, that i could cry.

Monk: "Now, slowly, i want you to place a hand on the spot on your body where you feel this love, perhaps, on your heart. i want you to see the image of the person you love and thank God sincerely, for allowing you this great opportunity to love and be loved. And with a heart full of love and gratitude, spend a few moment talking to this God you believe in."

And so i spent a couple of minutes thanking God for many, many things and then proceeded to talk about things i needed to tell Him.

And when i am done i opened my eyes, i didn't care about who or what was around me. i am sure i looked totally disgusting with my tear stained (and hingus stained) shirt and puffy eyes but it hasn't felt so good in years. I felt a lightness coming over me and so i packed my stuff and decided that is it, i have heard what i needed to hear. There may be more deep, soul moving stories for the day, but i knew i am done.

So, really, where is God? Haha, i still don't know.

But i know it now that it starts with being in a place of mucha gratitud and mucha amor (much gratitude & much love).

untitled

2011-05-04T20:20:00.002+08:00

i was sitting in a small lil cafe in Adliya, Bahrain when i saw the news on TV. Naturally, the news was presented in Arabic and pictures of Osama Bin Laden was flashing everywhere and i know somewhat, without any understanding of the language, that he's dead.

So the BIG news was that Osama bin Laden was finally killed after the 10 long years of his hunt.

And then there was this BIG celebration everywhere.

And i sat there in that small little Lebanese restaurant amongst people of all races and religion, and wondered: When most were out celebrating - there must be some who are so deeply pained by this lost. To most he was a murderer, but to some, he was a father, a husband, a leader -and maybe, just maybe, a wonderful one.

"i mourn the loss of thousands precious lives, but i will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy."

Martin Luther King

A friend once told me that 'one's terrorist is another's freedom fighter. Never once can one be more wrong or more right-cuz we're all different, looking at one big screen from totally different angles and from a totally different situation.'

FOURTEEN

2011-04-08T10:35:00.004+08:00

"Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down"

-Oprah Winfrey

I had lunch with an old friend in a fancy Thai Restaurant 2 days ago. Mind you, this friend of mine isn't one with deep thoughts and deep questions. So, there we were just happily talking about everything in life that didn't matter and then he suddenly frown, gave me a serious look and said 'Seriously Veronica, how do you know who your true friends are? I mean look at you, you are not exactly some pathetic person who is always asking for help and you do have quite a lot going on with you. But have you ever thought about the people who'd stick by you if things were different?'

'Well, i'm not sure but i mean it's not like the world is my best friend. i have a handful of friends and the rest, i don't really care as long as they don't step on my foot' came my happy reply.

And when i got back to my office, as i sat down behind my big fancy table, i began writing down the names of people, lets just say in the past 2 years, who has actually made the effort to spend 2 minutes of their time to call and check on me and perhaps, buy me a cuppa to simply see what's up with me. (No, of course, the people who called to asked for favors, business appointment etc are NOT included)

AND i came up with 14! Fourteen names. Full Stop.

I looked at the numbers in disbelief and thought 'This can't be!'

I have like 800 names in my phone book.

I get at least 15 random calls a day to speak about work and personal stuff.

And i have had FOURTEEN people calling me in the past 2 years just wondering how i am and wanting me to know that they were thinking of me?

How about you? When was the last time you sit down and write down the names of the people who really mattered to you?Or perhaps, the people who think you matter to them? Maybe, just maybe, it's about time you pull out that piece of paper and start writing- i'm sure it will help put things into perspective.

And then i realized that this particular friend of mine who doesn't think deep, does indeed think pretty deep. *laughs* Yes, and so this to this wise friend of mine (if it answers your question): YES, i have to admit you're right and also, another thing, you're one of the fourteen.

Oh, please annoy me..

2010-11-12T13:29:00.007+08:00

This is a short story about a long distance relationship

So they say, in a relationship, it is always the small things that matters. Of course there are BIG issues to deal with i.e money, religion, children, schedule etcetera ( et-cet- ter-rah: oh God, i love how this word roll on the tip of my tongue), but the problem with a long distance relationship is that you can't do all the wonderful, tiny, insignificant small things together...

You can't fight over which ice cream flavor to buy (i love Baskin Robbin's Peanutbutter & chocolate, by the way)

you can't watch a movie together (which reminds me, can you believe that i haven't watch 'the Incredibles' or the much talked about 'Inception'?)

You can't tell each other unimportant stories (For obvious reasons : Honey, talk ain't cheap! Try wrecking up your phone bills telling your spouse who's a gazillion miles away about how that damn colleague of yours casually mention that you've gained weight?)

You can't lie by the pool on a Sunday, just basking in the warmth of being together. (i can do this without a single word for hours!)

You can't get annoyed at the sight of his darn damp towels left on the bed. (i also do not tolerate people who believe that empty juice bottles can magically walk out of the fridge to dispose itself, AND i cannot, would not, should not tolerate not flushing the toilet after the big no.2 (lols...) Fu*kin hell!

The conclusion of this story is: The next time you have that argument with your spouse, or get annoyed over his annoying habits - Be annoyed, Be angry, Argue all you want and after that, perhaps, take a couple of minutes to be grateful that at least, he is there- in the present moment- to annoy you :D

Believe me, sitting alone at home, with no one to be annoyed at isn't much fun at all!

Sabo Mat, Sabo!

2010-11-10T10:35:00.006+08:00

Yesterday while i was having lunch at a certain kedai, i can't help but eavesdrop and chuckle at this conversation:

Man 1: Engkau tau tak, mamat kerek tu, meluat aku tengok muka dia. Ni, memang nak minta kena sepak!
Man 2: Eh, pesal kau hot sangat ni, Mat?
Man 1: Budak bodo kat ofis aku tu la. Dia pergi cakap dengan boss dia kena pergi presentation, pas tu dia mintak bawak minah sorang ni sebab dia cakap 'my client asked me to do the presentation in Malay and you know, my malay is bad! I can only do the presentation in english' Dah la cakap omputeh terhegeh hegeh.
Man2: Ha.. biar la.. takkan la dia nak buat presentation, tapi orang tak paham dia cakap apa?!
Man1: Masalah nya, budak ni budak melayu. Duduk Malaysia dari lahir. Mentang mentang la pi duduk England tu 2 tahun. Baru duduk negeri omputeh 2 tahun dah lupa nak cakap melayu? Piiraahhhh!!!!
Man 2: Sabo, Mat, Sabo!

Then it dawned upon me:

"Pesal minah Sarawak ni? Duduk KL dah bertahun tahun pun cakap melayu slang macam tu?!"

Alamak!!!

Marilah kita belajar bercakap Melayu, beramai ramai!

Hello, i am a Bidayuh.

2010-11-08T10:36:00.012+08:00

Hi, my name is Veronica akiew, and i am Bidayuh.

A couple of days ago, i called my mom (whom i speak to almost everyday), who is coincidentally visiting her mother-in-law. Being there, she passed the phone to my grandmother and this is how the conversation with my sumuk (grandmother) went:

Sumuk: Hello, oni nai muu (hello, what are you up to?)
Me: Hello sumuk. Paguh. Muu? (hello grandma, i'm well & you?)
Sumuk: Paguh leh. (bla bla bla) sai poon monam -blah blah blah- doik odi ponu -blah blah blah- (i'm well too.. but my leg hurts.. didn't go anywhere.)
Me: *thinking in my head in english now & wanted to say 'What happen to your leg?' Uhhhmmm.... poon, sai oni? (leg. what happen?)
Sumuk: -Blah blah blah- *a long explanation that i didn't understand at all
Me: okay, okay. So-on (can you) pass the telephone to my mommy?

As i ended the conversation, i hung up the phone, paused and thought about the conversation. If there was emotion clipped to the situation, it would definitely be SHAME.

What the hell is wrong with me?

My grandmother whom i loved very much is trying to tell me about her knee injury (i assume) and yet i cant even have a decent conversation with her. I tell everyone i meet that i am a Bidayuh ( and a very proud one) and yet i can't make myself understood in this language that is very much foreign to me. I remind my nephew Joel that he needs to remember his roots (he is also, like me, of bidayuh/chinese parentage) and yet i (my sister is equally guilty here) have never taught him ANY bidayuh culture.

My father have 5 other siblings, of which 6 out of 5 is married to a person of a different race. all 6 have converted from Paganism into Christianity, Islam, Buddhist (maybe) leaving my sumuk the only Pagan left. I speak english to all of them and wondered at times, if they are as ignorant as i am.

I have 2 younger sisters: and out of 3 of us, only 1 speaks bidayuh (at least fluent by MY definition). In fact, we speak fluent English, Chinese, Malay and oh, did i mention, we go to French classes... and yet, when it comes to our mother tongue, it's all stutters and uhmmm and ahhhh and blanks.

Did you know that the bidayuh are pagans and believe in animism? Yes, they belief that souls or spirits exist not only in humans but also in animals, plants, rocks and natural phenomena. They still observe rituals to please spirits. Is this perhaps, the reason why my people are so gentle, so careful?

And did you know, interestingly, they still leave dead bodies to rot in random places in a jungle (this is what they did to my grandpa)

Well, for a fact, i didn't.

My sumuk used to tell us stories of her parents, grandparents and great grandparents. Of how life was simple back then. Of cultures, paganism, beliefs and lifestyle. She tells of how life in the village is and how they'd keep the community to themselves so that things doesn't change-she'd say 'all this wonderful culture-it'll be gone very soon, no more'. She'd repeat to us about a gazillion times that we NEED to find ourselves a good dyak man and have good dyak children. (which, obviously isn't happening)

Coming from a race which exist only in a minor part of Borneo- could it get any harder to preserve a culture so precious, so unique? what would you do when you're watching your race slowing slipping into extinction and yet, not being able to do anything? What could i do to be a better Bidayuh?

Well, perhaps, i shall start calling up my bidayuh friends and family and force them to speak to me in bidayuh and i'll start reading about my culture. It's would also be a delightful idea to buy myself my first bidayuh traditional costume Or maybe learn the dance? Who knows, perhaps, my little effort may get me somewhere.

Hello, adon okuk Veronica Akiew, okuk nya-a dayak.

Defying Gravity

2010-10-26T17:24:00.000+08:00

Some Love

2010-10-25T15:43:00.010+08:00

"Some Love are New & Exotic, Some are Old & Familiar.
There are those that brings you lots of questions
and some brings you something expected.
Some love brings you far from where you have started
and some....

They bring you back where you belong."

foreign in a foreign land

2010-10-14T17:08:00.014+08:00

Hello from Manama, Bahrain.

It's 40 degree celcius today and im seriously bored or else i wouldn't be blogging (ever try doing anything intelligent with a melting brain?)

As any decent tourist would, i browsed through the Bahrain Time Out Magazine and saw 'La Fontaine Art Gallery' - which is a spa, restaurant and art gallery and thought 'Hmm.... Yup, next in my agenda, PERFECT!'. I would've, could've, should've gone to a nice spa followed by an exotic middle eastern lunch of kebabs and hummus and perhaps, visit an art gallery or two but well, my brilliant plan was killed by this:

*A conversation with a Philipina taxi service operator

Me: Hi is this the taxi company?'
Woman with a Philipine accent: Yes, maam, how may i help you?'
Me: Hi, i need a taxi now at (my address) going to the La Fontaine Art Gallery in Hoora
Woman with a Philipine accent: Yes maam, which street in Hoora?
Me: ermm...i don't know which street., but don't you know where it is?
Woman with a Philipine accent: sorry maam, i have no idea but you can tell the taxi driver. he knows.
Me: Ok, thanks.

* 15 minutes later, the encounter with a Pakistani taxi man:

Me: Hi, i'm going to the La Fontaine Art Gallery in Hoora. Okay?
Man with a Pakistani accent: You know how to get there?
Me: Nope, i am a tourist *getting a little agitated now*
Man with a Pakistani accent: I don't know how to get there maam, i from Pakistan!
Me: okay, do you know where Hoora is?
Man with a Pakistani accent: Yes, but i don't know exactly where the art gallery is.
Me: Okay, tell you what, lemme call the gallery

* The conversation with a Philipina staff from the art gallery

Me: Hi, is this the La Fontaine Art Gallery
Woman with a Philipine acecent: Yes maam, La Fontaine art gallery, how may i help you?
Me: Hi, am coming from Um Al Hassan heading towards La Fontaine. Can you please direct my taxi driver?
Woman with a Philipine acecent: Okay, it is in Hoora.
Me: i know it is in Hoora but you need to be specific because the taxi driver doesn't know where it is exactly!
Woman with a Philipine acecent: Oh sorry maam, lemme pass you to someone who knows. i'm new in Bahrain
Me: Sure
Woman with an indian accent: Hello, La Fontaine
ME: Hi, am coming from Um Al Hassan heading towards La Fontaine. Can you please direct my taxi driver?
Woman with an indian accent: Ok, it's near the Manama American hospital

*now looking at the Pakistani taxi driver
Me: you know where the American hospital is?
Man with Pakistani accent: Yes, but which side of the road? give another landmark?

*back to telephone conversation
Me: do you have a different landmark?
Woman with an indian accent: Yes, the school, but 'm not sure what's the name of the school. sorry maam, i'm not local. Maybe your taxi driver knows where it is?
Me: NO ! He doesn't!

A Malaysian tourist. A Philipina taxi service operator. A Pakistani taxi driver. A Philipina masseuse. An indian masseuse. All stuck on one great spot on earth... BAHRAIN!

Getting seriously annoyed now, i decided to just not go anywhere and come back home for an afternoon nap.

For God's sake...

I JUST WANT TO GO TO THE ART GALLERY!

Eid mubarak

2010-09-04T14:43:00.003+08:00

Happy happy Eid from Amed, Bali.. A land of sunshine, beautiful seas, great food and friendly people.

i'm in Bali because this is officially be the first time in many many years that am not celebrating the Eid. Being a creature of habit, i knew somehow i'll get all emotional about it hence, i've planned my great escape from the people or places i know. Being stuck in a hindu populated island is definitely of great relief.

strangely, i woke up at 7am this morning and knew instictively that this is Eid. No amount of running away is going to change that... So i got up, showered, sat on my bed that overlooks the breezy sea and said a prayer for everyone back home... I said a sincere fervent prayer and asked for forgiveness for all the smash mouthness, the mean gestures... and even with no one there, i chose to believe that i am forgiven. And all my resentments are forgotten.

no prayers, no baju kurungs, no rendangs, no cookies, no green packets, no salams for me this years.

....But it's still Eid.

HAPPY EID EVERYONE!

Maaf Zahir & Batin

The amazing view from my room

rest well now, dear tired feet.

2010-08-12T18:51:00.014+08:00

Rest well now, dear tired feet,

there's so much to see but the world can wait.

Remember cycling on the dirty path of India?

Or the grasshoppers & testicles you were forced to eat in China?

Remember the endless drive along the great ocean's road of Australia?

or the mad culture of big bad America?

Remember those nights of drunk Scottish singing?

or the chocolate croissant the frenchmen bring?

Well there's still Moroccan dreams & Brazillian fiestas...

but you stay put now, and keep em dreams in a jar.

Perhaps get yourself a nice pedicure, of many colors, fuschia, electric blue or gold.

and then an awesome foot massage, and wrap them cold.

Buy yourself a nice pink pair of Mary Jane , then bring the girls out into town

we shall all dine and wine and then maybe dance all night, it's all fun!

Rest well now, dear tired feet,

There's so much to see but the world can wait.

it isn't my turn?

2010-08-06T12:23:00.001+08:00

As i was packing my bag this morning for my short holiday trip to Phuket, Thailand, I got a call from my friend Jen who asked me out for dinner. After explaining to her that i was getting ready to catch a plane to Phuket, i heard a gasps on the other end and she sighed a long sigh and said 'What? You mean even with 40 something people dead from the swine flu (Influenza A H1N1), you're still running off for a holiday? I mean, you do realized that you are going to be confined to an airplane with people who could possibly have the swine flu right?' and then went silent.

Wierdly, i DO know that there are possiblities of contracting the swine flu from the other passangers in the plane.

But i also know that i have:

a high chance of dying from any kind of accident (automobile, falls, poisoning, drowning etc)

a small chance of dying from suicide OR homicide (i can only imagine by an ex boyfriend hehe)

I know i could be walking in the streets on a beautiful sunday evening and get hit by a passing stone laden lorry.

I know i could have a mild stomach discomfort and hours later am told by the doctor that i have stomach cancer and have 6 months to live

I know that i may caught a horrible disease while back packing through India (and i have heard this a million times) but i came home alright.

I know that it is as easy to catch any life threatening virus as much as you can catch a cold.

But most importantly, I know that it is not the number of hours in my life that counts BUT the number of hours i've lived my life, that really matters.

So, when it is my turn to go, i hope i'll leave this world knowing that i've done it all (at least, hopefully, almost). IS it my turn? I don't know, but not now, and as of now, i'm going to Thailand.

Temptation

2010-07-09T11:16:00.008+08:00

"...Lead us not into temptation & deliver us from evil"

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation; but would also like to keep in touch.

~Robert Orben~

Oh, Jason Statham!

2010-07-01T12:17:00.007+08:00

i was hanging out at my usual on Tuesday for a couple of beers with a friend when we saw a hottie who looks like Jason Statham... i mean seriously, you know how when you look at a movie star and they look just kindda surreal with the make up and expensive clothes and the guns and the fancy cars? Well, this hottie is Jason Statham in the transporter WITHOUT the make up, the Armani suit, the M15, the BMW & he doesn't strike that pose looking like he want you to sleep with him!

Seriously, Why are we so obsessed with PERFECTION?
Does imperfections scare us?

Can one ever be perfect?

Can skinny ever get skinny enough?
Can rich ever get rich enough?
Can smart ever get smart enough?
Can Hollywood ever get Hollywood enough? if all the Bentleys & Jimmy Choos didn't stop Lindsay Lohan from sinking into depression-what makes you think it'd stop yours? And if all the fame and glamor didn't stop Health Ledger from committing suicide, what makes you think it'll ever make your life easier?

The truth is, i'd like to look at a person the way they are; beyond all this fake superficial act. No amount of make up can ever buy you personality. No amount of money can buy you love. no amount of pretentiousness can ever buy you friendship. And faking it is the most pathetic thing a person can do :) You can fix all what's outside, but can you fix what's inside?

That aside, YES, i looked at the Jason Statham-look-alike & drooled at his originality, his human-ness & his real-ness. The wrinkles, and receding hairline (haha), the beer bulge & the way he glances nervously at us every time makes him.. what's the word? Uhhmm... DESIRABLE?!! So they say, dreams do come true, but all the amount of dreaming and wanting to marry Ben Affleck isn't gonna be possible especially when there are 200 million other women & men who wants him too - with that i'm gonna settle for REALNESS. Goodbye Hollywood, hello Mr Hottie who sit by the bar next to me!

Forgive me God, for i am Fat.

2010-07-01T11:35:00.002+08:00

Here's something that xztly! is organizing :) Click here to view the full brochure or call 03.77267577-be sure to speak to the skinniest of us all cz you'll feel skinny already by doing that!

Aye... i know that i am not fat. i mean seriously. i may just have a mental madness which leads to my self-esteem issue. but here goes anyway!!

how could i not be in love?

2010-05-20T14:06:00.000+08:00

Random pictures of mommy, Joey, Vic & I

Perth & blur

2010-01-07T12:08:00.011+08:00

i know it has been ages since i last wrote anything.
if there is any excuse at all for my absence, it would be a simple one: Pure Laziness.

November & December 2009 has been good to me; the term 'good' simply means it has always allow me to be myself: Fat & Lazy. If you wonder what i have been to, well here goes:

I flew into Perth WA on the 2nd December 2009 to attend my bestfriend's wedding: Serina Gan, who is now Serina Loke. All said, she is the naughtiest among my bestfriends back in school and she literally taught me the sexay dictionary. And knowing that i'm attending her wedding did not ease my uneasiness of knowing that my friends are starting to succumb to the idea of marriage. Ahhh.. teary eyes aside, it was a blast!Serina's wedding has brought the group of friends who's been BFFs for close to 20 years together, separated by continents, connected by e-mails and phone calls. After 20 years of dramas, gossips, heartaches, achievements and many many many beers later: we rendezvoused in Perth. The highlight was probably her wedding dinner reception- we were drunk on beer from the start and when she started her speech, i burst out in tears.

This is to my BFFs who has made me who i am, Pic inset: Nasa, Davin, your truly, Serina, Robert, AiMee & Jeremy

Besides the wedding, Perth was a real blur. We spend a week of days and night laughing at each other, drinking, eating, walking around mindlessly, talking about life...perhaps, this is just what my mind wanted to believe since my memory was so distorted by alcohol. The only other thing i remembered about Perth was the nice drive along the Margarate river and into the vineyards (Ahhhh....) i mean many many vineyards.

Wine tasting can be real fun. The charges are only about AUD5 and you get to taste an average of 6-7 different wines. They'd fill our wine glasses a quarter full, do a bit of explanation and we'll down them with grins on our faces. By one the time 1 vineyard was over, i was personally already sleepy from the alcohol, but behold, 3 more vineyards to go! hahaha. And oh, i forgot to mention, not only they have loads of alcohol in their drinks, they have alcoholed ice cream, alcoholed cakes, alcohol this, alcohol that, alcohol, alcohol, everywhere, alcohols. Sighh.... don't people die from alcohol overdose?

Ahh well, i guess Perth in itself is a pretty small city (imagine half of Kuching, Sarawak). there isn't 1 Starbucks (..faint), there isn't a big bookstore, in fact they do not even have many big fashion brands. I remembered one night when Serina was telling me that she wanted to bring me to this big new 'happening' restaurant and kept saying 'I can't remember the name but it's a real good restaurant, serious! (half drooling & eyes wide open )' and apparently it is the best food and the funkiest restaurant around. And when we got there, guess what it was? A Tony Romas?!!! I stared at her in disbelief and said 'Hmmmmm.... i have like 2 Tony Romas within 10km radius from my house!' But then again, Perth has it's own charm. It's calm, it's clean, and seriously, it's a good place to just relax.

If you happen to be in Perth, dont miss out 'The little creature' brewery and restaurant in Fremantle. Even if you don't drink, it's interesting to visit the brewery, which is huge! You can also have lunch in the restaurant which served really good pizza (try the blue cheese pizza) and if you DO drink, what else is there to say? Hmmmm....

And since you're already in Fremantle, so some touristy stuff like visiting the prison (which i think is a museum now) and hang out at the market. Oh well, not like you're gonna buy anything REAL but it's worth the look. Souvenirs, junk food, tarot readings, you name it!

Ok la, i almost sound like a 'Visit Perth' counter. Ahh. i'll Shut up already! Here are some pictures of Perth. Due to my attention deficit disorder, writing this long post is already pretty tiring, so i'll write another entry on Melbourne and what i did there (at times when i make statement like these, i'd be wondering 'Ishk perasan betul, macam la i have a million fans dying to hear my life stories. hahaha)

HELLO 2010!

2010-01-01T13:24:00.002+08:00

Hello 2010.

I haven't said a single prayer in a long long time. But when it hit 12 yesterday, i bowed my head and said a short sincere prayer.

i prayed that i will be more patient, less edgy. To shut up and hold my tongue when i am angry.

i prayed that i'll be quick to give & learn to receive.

i prayed that i will learn to forgive people i am angry at-for good, & never to bring the matter up again.

i prayed that i am constantly reminded not to be selfish: what i give, i will receive.

i prayed that i will be grateful to people who have done good to me and count my blessings instead of bitching about what i don't have.

i prayed that i'll be less judgemental.

i prayed that people will be more tolerant. That they'll fight over substantial matters instead of calling each other names over petty matter.

i prayed that my family will be taken care of, i prayed for my friends and happiness & love in abundance, i prayed for people i don't like and if i could, tell them it's all good before the year ends. i prayed that i will keep my feet grounded. A reminder that i am no better than anyone above me or below me. That i may gain all things in a day or lose everything in a blink.

And above all, i prayed for Peace & serenity, for myself & people i love. So that when they go to bed at night,they'll leave all their worries behind and know that God will take care of what awaits them in the morning.

The Bestfriend

2009-09-17T23:51:00.007+08:00

i used to have a bestfriend, no, not like any other besties i have, i had a MAN bestfriend. We used to do what i would do with any of my girlfriends, watch a movie, spend hours at Starbucks gossiping about men, women and whatever comes in between. There are also the nights out watching movies and long telephone conversations; until, my man friend found himself a nice girlfriend.

Are there unwritten rules of boundaries between a man and a woman who are merely friends? Can a man and a woman still be the best of friend without posing as a threat to the other's partners? when my man friend found the love of his life, i automatically backed off. I would still chat with him online or on the phone occasionally, but it would also means the end of stay overs & demanding a weekend with him alone. His love life comes first before anything else and his girlfriend now fills his free schedule. I am tremendously happy for his progress and seeing him being happy with his new love, makes me a very happy friend. However, i know of women and men who have absolutely no sense of personal space and respect for other people.

Take Jane for example. After being single for 4 years, her best friend James finally found his match. However, Jane would still expect James to spend a lot of hours entertaining her, chauffeurs her around, listens to her pathetic sob stories & calls him every night without fail, when he's staying over at his girlfriend's. When James' girlfriend complains about this intrusive behavior, James justifies it by saying that Jane has been his friend since forever and will go on and on about his friendship obligations as a friend. this poor girlfriend of James is my poor friend.

Eventually, my poor friend decided to get rid of this drama from her life. She did not think that she could tell her boyfriend to abandon his precious friendship so she decided to back off. She had to back off simply because she was tired of being the girlfriend who isn't as important as the best friend. she's tired of lying in bed listening to her boyfriend speak with another women with much endearment. She's tired of being the doormat. When i heard of her predicament, it just angers me. I personally think it's just surprisingly stupid to even call this relationship, friendship. If Jane loves James enough, she's learn to respect his privacy. She'd learn to back off because what should make her happy is the fact that James is blissfully happy with his new found love. The fact that she 'innocently' comes in the way of all his relationship only shows how selfish she is. Well, my friend and i also (after analyzing the situation for hours over our caramel macchiatos) came to a conclusion that perhaps they (Jane & James) should just start dating each other and be honest about their feelings, rather than wasting other people's time & toying with another person's feeling.

and well, perhaps to my ultimate question of: Are there unwritten rules of boundaries between a man and a woman who are merely friends? Can a man and a woman still be the best of friends without posing as a threat to the partners? Perhaps yes, Yes, only if the friendship is an unselfish one. Yes only if it is a friendship so pure that there isn't an element of clinginess and self-centredness to it. Yes, only if the feeling is mutual and one wants only the best for the other person. But if one decides to keep his/her bestfriend to him/herself for his/her own advantage, and if one's action would hinder the other's progress in life, then it is a friendship that one has to let go of.

Oh well, Sighhh....

ok, ok, fine. Perhaps you know that I just wanna be bitchy. I'm annoyed. Arghhh..

What do you think? I am being overly sensitive? Is it ever okay? Maybe other people have their own point of view. Anyone?

random?

2009-06-30T23:33:00.000+08:00

My friend Cloe called me up at 3 am one morning crying her heart out. she just found out that her boyfriend of 2 years have been cheating on her. Well, not like a typical 'cheat' because he wasn't seeing anyone else or something, but he's just enrolled in some random sexfinder site and have been having random 'fun' with these strangers he meets online. And how long has this been going on? Years! and she hasn't had a clue about what he's been doing behind her back for 2 freaking years. And when confronted, he begs and kept telling her that it's merely physical-not emotional. He even said 'i don't love any of these sluts, i don't even know their names!'

How would you react if you were Cloe?

*Faint* Oh sigh...

What's with men/ women and random sex?Is there any decency left on earth? Or dare we still hope? What do you do with people like these? Is physical cheating as bad as emotional cheating?

I know this is rather random. But i can't help but wonder sometimes. I do not know anything or any news that can shock me anymore. Humans...

change

2009-06-29T23:46:00.007+08:00

i saw these quotes on the profile when my friend Lea when she added me on facebook & as much as it was short, it just hit that spot.

"When i stopped being afraid, i was safe.When i stopped listening to my ego, i had nothing to prove to anyone. When i stopped craving the next fix, i was no longer desperate inside."

And as much as this is true, i find it totally amazing that perhaps, some people still crave for pain. i knew i woud be safe if i stopped being afraid, but then again, have i lived in fear for too long that i have found consolation in it? Or when i could chose to NOT listen to my ego, did i want to? Did i want to consciously stop my cravings? Or do i secretly like to crave for things that aren't good for me?Does one become comfortable with pain? Maybe desperation? Can one believe that captivity or imprisonment isn't that bad becase they have yet to experience the estacy of freedom? Is chosing joy & sadness a war we need to fight in our head? change is arguably (but to most people, undeniably) a scary thing.

i have known friends who have lived and are comfortable with living in fear. Look at the broken woman who's stuck in the relationship for ages, getting emotionally abused every waking moment and occasional getting the physical abuse. How many of us have friends like that? How many of us ARE like that? why do they stay? Was it pleasant? Isn't it scary? Well, but for most people, making that one change is scarier than getting the bruises and the broken ribs.

Or know a friend who knows that she's in deep shit, hooked to drugs? And yet everytime she turns around and asked for help, she'd look back and start all over? Didn't she remember the time she almost died from the overdose? Does it not hurt when she looked into the mirror and all she sees is a lifeless, cold skeleton? Did she missed the days when she had a job and when she had 'real' friends? But maybe, it was easier living in denial. As long as she could, she'd rather live in her pain than to push for change.

Oh well, life is like that. haven't we at any point of our life wished things were different? Haven't we all sat on that wish and as much as we knew we could do something about it, we'd rather just wait and see? Aren't we all sometimes so afraid of the unseen and the uncertainties that we'd rather just live in that 'not-so-okay' zone? Yes, as long as we can justify, as long as there are still reasons for us to recycle. Whatever it is, there will come a day when you'll have to face yor devils and make a choice. There'll come a day when you are pushed to a wall and is force to answer your ultimate question. Whenever that time is, it will surely come & i hope we will all make the right decision.

be gentle when you judge

2009-06-29T23:32:00.005+08:00

Pray, don't find fault with the man who limps
Or stumbles along the road.
Unless you have worn the shoes he wears
Or struggled beneath his load.

There may be tacks in his shoes that hurt
Though hidden away from view.
Or the burden he bears placed on your back
Might cause you to stumble too.

Don't sneer at the man who's down today
Unless you have felt the blow
That caused his fall or felt the shame
That only the fallen know.

You may be strong but still the blows
That was his if dealt to you
In the selfsame way, at the selfsame time
Might cause you to stagger too.

Don't be too harsh with the man who sins
Or pelt him with word or stone
Unless you are sure - yea, doubly sure
That you have no sins of your own.

For you know, perhaps,
If the tempter's voice should whisper as soft to you
As it did to him when he went astray
It might cause you to falter too.

~Author Unknown

brazilian gone wrong

2009-06-23T23:11:00.013+08:00

This is one post i find hard to write. I have been contemplating for days now. to write or NOT to write? Alas, the side of me that's trying to be a lil more noble and useful to mankind has decided to write. Yes, yes, sometimes my bitchin' can be useful.

You can laugh. Yes, you are allowes to laugh til u snort like a pig.
You can smirk in disgust.
You can ridicule me as much as you want, for all i care.
But most importantly,YOU learn from my terrible mistake!

This is a story of a girl who just wanted to carry out a simple task: to get herself a clean brazilian wax. For some you blur human out there, a brazilian wax is an act where you go to a nice salon, climb up on the table, spread your legs (imagine one looking like a frog/ or giving birth) and allow a random stranger wax your vaginal area clean. I would usually go to this other place along Jalan Telawi in Bangsar called Sommerset & they are very professional. And because my itch would usually come at the most unexpected time, i failed to make a booking and was told that they are full for the day. And because i desperately needed them done, i went along to a random salon called Vanni which is above 11-7 in Bangsar.

Well, Let me tell you what they did wrong:

No. 1: As i walked into the shop, i was greeted by a group of very enthusiatic ladies, one in particular who looked happy to see me, screamed across the room (she was washing someone's hair at the time) and said 'yes, ma'am, how may i help you?' I mean, come on, you want me to scream across the room back and tell like 6 other strangers that i am about to display my vagina to you? Well, so i calmly walked towards her and said softly that i needed a brazilian & she looked up at me with (i swear to God) what i think is a smirk & said a little bit too loud, enough for everybody to hear 'Oh.. brazilian ah?'

No. 2: As i was shoved towards the room, i noticed how dirty and unhygenic the bedsheets look. i was already contemplating to leave but after thinking for a while, i thought perhaps the beedsheets are just old (*my inner voices were arguing like mad women now)

No. 3: When my waxer came in and got me all prepped up, a friend of hers (the hairdresser) casually stretched her head into my tiny room and started chatting animatedly to my waxer in a language that is foreign to me with me lying there naked. They took their time to chat and giggle over whatever it was.

No. 4: as she was about to apply the hot wax on me, instead of just waving the wax stick around to cool it, she actually blew on the stick. F**kin hell! i mean, imagine all the germs for her nasi lemak and tosay tapped to the lips of my vagina? Ewww, can't i even get AIDs from that? I was almost in hysteria but what was i supposed to do? Run out naked and start cursing at them with my vagina half waxed?

No. 5: As she is done with the whole excruciating painful process, she just dabbed and cleaned me with a damped towel that has been to only God knows where! Holy Mary Mother of God! i then ran like a mad woman out of the waxing room and went to wash up in the toilet. If my vagina could vomit, i think it would!

Animated? Yup, Dramatic? Yup. It can be anything else, but it was nothing short of DISGUISTING and pure UNPROFESSIONALISM.

So to you ladies out there who wants to get a nice wax job, please stick to your regular spot. Or else, please only go to a salon by recommendation because honestly, you wouldn't want to catch any disease from some other people's unprofessionalism and ignorance. But above all, avoid Vanni along Jalan Telawi (the same stretch as McDonald's) at all cost. And If you refuse to listen to me, don't tell me i didn't tell you, especially when you find fungus or mushroom growing out of you know where! :)

The Launch of Ed Hardy, Kuala Lumpur

2009-06-22T11:30:00.002+08:00

*note: i have been meaning to blog this since a while ago, but my dramatic self always finds something more dramatic to whine about. This is long due, and i have to write, because, i HEART Ed Hardy.

Ed Hardy is finally in Malaysia. (And i still have friends who's say 'Ahh... what the hell is that Ad harley?) Well, if in case you fall into the category of the ignorant, Ed Hardy is THE apparel worn by the cool, hip & happenings. (& nope, this blog isn't sponsored by Ed Hardy, *roll eyes!) To name a few die hard fans: Madonna, Rihanna etc

I mean honestly, when i first got invited to the launch of Ed Hardy, i was totally clueless! First thing that came to mind was 'oh no,not another brand?!' But i would as usual, cluelessly throw on my little black dress (i can never go wrong with my LBD) and my excruciatingly beautiful pair of ALDO & tagged along. Being 'not exactly an Ed Hardy' person, i only went because i thought it'd only be decent to show some kind of support to my friend (who owns Ed Hardy). When i got there, i first focused on spotting the beer and cheese cake (i was told in advance tht my 'staple' food would be served at the event)& then quietly stood at a far end hoping that no one would notice me and sinfully drink & munch away. And then, someone, sepcifically a certain someone who was wearing a black ed Hardy tee came straight to me and asked;

Man in Ed hardy shirt: 'aren't you gonna go in and check out the apparels?, they're bit pricey but they are gorgeous! I mea i love these stuff, so glad they're finally here!'

Veron who's now half drunk: 'Hmmm.. yeah, would probably do that after i'm done with these (pointing to my cup of beer) Pricey? Really? What's the price range? Honestly, i have never even heard of Ed Hardy (*Druken Veron now grins a silly drunken grin).

Man in Ed Hardy shirt: Oh, then why are you here? You a journalist or something?

Veron who's getting bit irritated: *Thinking, hell, why so many question?* Nope, i got invited, just randomly. i'm seriously nobody. *hoping he'd back off now*

Man in Ed Hardy shirt: Oh, haha, you're fuunny. Anyway, i think an average tee is about RM900. and you've gotta check out their jeans! it think it's about 15 hundred. But i love their designs! Funky!

Veron who's trying to stand straight: wow, i don't know if i'd spend so much on a tee. I mean RM800 for a dress sounds more like it, but for a tee, it probably isn't much of my thing.

So i politely excused myself, and walked into the store (it suddenly hit me that i was there to check out the apparels , not to get drunk!)and then i saw it. THE black sleeveless Ed Hardy shirt with a print right in the middle decorated with colored crystal and then little drunken Veronica instantly knew that she has fallen in love :)

Conclusion: Haha.. hell,i don't know the conclusion of this post! i just love Ed Hardy. If you want to check them out, do visit the Ed Hardy flagship store in the Suria KLCC shopping centre on level 3 (next to the food court). Please check out the interior of the shop if you happen to be there. I loved the way they designed their fitting rooms, it's crazy funky!

They have attires for men, women & children including tops, bottoms, caps, dresses and if i am not misinformed, they have recently introduced their swimwear line & it screams nothing short of SEXAY!

*been eyeing on this one!

*this is a classic!

nokia E75

2009-06-07T00:53:00.008+08:00

i got myself a new nokia E75 and couldn't be more in love with it.,this is officially my first time posting on blogger via my phone.

it's just an amazing feeling, just being able to drink my take-away latte while waiting for my flight and posting a message on this humble blog. What is more amazing is the fact that i stole a glance over at the man sitting across me and heard him mutter a curse when his bulky laptop fell out of his bag.

i now pronounce myself notebook free! (what i really meant is that i'll be notebook free when i'm travelling)

I love my nokia E75! thank you nokia, for once, you have invented something i truly have to shout about. (disclaimer: this post isn't sponsored by nokia...hahaha)

it's about you, not me.

2009-06-02T12:20:00.005+08:00

This is a note to the women who's dating her new man.

Don't talk about his ex. Don't think about his ex. Don't let your imagination go wild. Don't ask friends how the ex is doing, don't bother knowing how her work is doing. Don't visit the exe's blog (she may be one who vents in her personal blog & not meant any harm at all). Come on, be realistic, if he's still in love with his ex, he'd still be with her, not you. So that would mean you're way HOTTER, way SEXIER, way SMARTER, way worth being with. You have everything there is for a fresh start and you deserve this. it is yours, it is your moment! :)

The ex is also just another human. Someone who made mistakes, live, learn and moved on. Someone who is as insecure, someone who fears, someone who wants to find her way, someone who worries & struggles with her new relationship. Someone who just wants to be at peace with herself. Just like you were, also an ex to another whoever out there. Live life to the fullest and let live.

You can be friends, perhaps, she doesn't bite :)

Bromo-Tengger-Semeru

2009-05-20T11:19:00.002+08:00

If there's one place i would recommend anyone to go, I'd say, it's a rather unknown, 'lonely' place called the Bromo-Tengger-Semeru village, which is a 4 hours drive off the city of Surabaya. Being a person who can't stand silence, the thought of being there was almost unbearable. however, after BEING there, i can't stop talking about it.

Pic: The view from our chalet. Yes, you can see all 3 mountains clearly. Mount Bromo (the smoky, short one), mount Tengger (the one on the right) and Mount Semeru (the smoky, tall one). We were told that they were just waiting for Mount Semeru to explode so the danger line has been raised and many places were off bound. (No, seriously, you won't wanna melt in volcanic lava!)

Let me share a little on what i did in this fabulous place

Day 1

Arrive Surabaya airport at 12pm. Driver picks us up, went for an interesting indonesian lunch and then began out 4 hours journey to Bromo-Semeru-Tengger. Along the way, the driver pointed some houses which seemed to be in shambles and apparently, the whole village was once flooded by hot mud which killed thousands! Closer to Bromo, we drove in an upward spiral (which can be nuseating!) but the air is chilly and the view, breathtaking!

Got to our hotel, the Lava View at around 5.30pm. I took a walk around the village of 400 people, talk to some villagers, check out the view and hung out a little til about 7pm before we took a quick dinner of soto ayam and went to bed at 8pm (we were advised to go to bed earlier as our activity starts at 3.00am the next day). For your infomation, it is freezing cold in the room and they do not have a heater, so be prepared to wear your bulky, winter jacket to sleep.

Day 2
Woke up at supposedly 2.15 am but instead i woke up at 1.15am (i forgot to switch my alarm clock to indonesian time which is an hour ahead!) . Went for a nice quick breakfast and jumped into our little jeep at 3:00am. The driver and our guide, Henry, drove us up a mountain and we waited for sunrise to 'magically' happen with some 70 other tourist with frozen arses. We chatted, laughed, tell jokes and took pictures while waiting and waiting and when sunrise happens, i was asleep on the bench!

At 5.30am, our driver drove us back to the chalet for a break. And at 8.00am, we're off again, this time, not in a jeep, but on a horse. My poor horsey, Jelita (who had to tolerate all 60kg of me and my fat arse) is most adorable. We rode all the way from the chalet to the foot of mount bromo. That took us about an hour! The walk was difficult (not for me but for Jelita) as we were walking on volcanic lava sand but no, she survived the walk and she survived me! when we got there, we had to climb a plight of stairs. the climb was both excruciatingly painful and scary for me. But when you got up, there's just no turning back! Take a look at these pics!

Pic: This is taken when we were standing on the edge of the mount Bromo crater.

Pic: Stairways to heaven: Yup, you need to climb up these stairs and if you stand on top of the stairs and look back, you'll feel like you're floating on air!

It wasn't exactly FUN for me up there, because i have got height phobia, so i sat down the whole time trying not to move too much. Once we are done, i again, created a scene by not being able to climb down the stairs! (I swear to God, it's darn scary!) But after forever, i managed to get myself down in one piece and rode Jelita back to my chalet. If you're into souvenirs and gifts, you can find locals at the foot of the mountain selling tees, pictures, poster etc. but i was more interested in plotting a plan to kidnap Jelita and keep her for my own!

At 1.30pm, we got into the same jeep in the morning and took a ride along the beautiful Bromo savannah. we stopped at different spots and took short strolls. We were then driven to a waterfall in Malang (40 minutes drive from the hotel) and had a little picnic there. We did a little fishing and had lunch by the waterfall (Henry packed us sandwiches and french fries from the hotel) and i thought it was rather romantic haha. Imagine just lying on rocks and listening to water hitting bottom, and having a great ham sandwich. Hmm... we were sent home at about 6pm.

Pic: Guess who i bumped into? Reminds me of 'Lord of the Ring'

At 7.30pm, we did the usual dinner thingy and managed to grab a few beers while listening to a band playing. Honestly, i can't understand the mumbles but they were pretty good.

Day 3 Woke up late, did close to nothing. Went for a nice walk in a small tracking area and then went for a walk in the village again. We left for Surabaya (the city) at about 6pm

Pic: With Henry, the helpful & hillarious guide

Pic: With Henry, the driver and their gang. This was taken at 4:00am in the morning while waiting for sunrise.

Pic: My Jelita

For those who wants to know more about this trip, you can contact the travel agency that took care of us:

Global Adventure Indonesia

Attn: Edi Siswanto

(+62)81 334 684 918

e-mail add: globaladventure@indo.net.id

If possible just give my name as your reference, because one of my friend got a discount from telling him that she was introduced by myself. Another inportant thing, try asking for Henry as your personal guide because he's ONE hell of a guide! Till the next adventure, ciao!

fabulous people

2009-05-19T17:59:00.007+08:00

A friend is someone who bails you out of jail. But your bestfriend is someone who will be sitting in jail with you screamin 'That was fuckin' awesome!'

Pic: veronneca, nadine & nasa.

Pic: nadine, nasa, veronneca& haflin

i didn't grow, they shrunk!

2009-05-06T23:20:00.005+08:00

i went to the gym today after ermm.. 6 months and so the ritual follows:

Park car at one utama preferred parking, get into the gym, pick up towels, strip down to nothing, put on my gym clothes. But wait, today, it's a bit different. No, it's a lot different. Everything went as planned except for the 'put on my gym attire' part. I cannot fit into it. No, i mean it, like it is, I CANNOT FIT INTO THOSE DARN GYM CLOTHES!!! for God's sake! is this even possible? Can someone grow too big for their stretchy gym clothes? Well, perhaps people do grow out of their clothes, but please god, no, not me. No, please, just NOT ME!

I looked into the wall mirror and looked at the bulge on my stomach, yup, they're so big, they just bulge out uglily. And oh, can you see the flab of my underarms? You can cut them out and build someone a new arm! I looked so UGLY! (yes, writing a statement like this may invite someone to laugh in my face and say 'see told'ya you're a fugly loser?' but well, i am not gonna pretend how fabulous i am when i don't feel like it)

Guess what happened next? I scan around the room and see these bunch of fabulous, sexy and fantastic looking women with flat abs and toned arms. I looked a little more to scan if there's anyone on the entire planet who looks more like me than they do, them. But, nope. Everyone else looks fantabulous. Being suicidally frustrated, i zipped up my pink Elle jacket, pack my bags and head towards Big Apple Donuts.

Can someone help me?

How does one lose weight, quickly?

I heard running and walking doesn't really help because it doesn't burn as much calories as it is supposed to... but then agian, in comparison to what? cycling? Swimming? Dancing? What do i do? Could this all be just a fragment of my at-times-dysfuctional brain's imagination? Or am i really fat? Well, of course, my friends tell me i shouldn't be so paranoid but they did not feel the panic when my zipper burst open when i tried forcing myself into my little black dress! Nor did they see the pictures of my triple chin (yeah, people post pictures only of their fabulous, skiny self. And i am one of those sinful deceiver - sometimes it's all about the angle, baby!).

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

I need a weight consultant. No, maybe i need a psychiatrist. Can somebody, anybody, help me?

Forgive~Forget

2009-04-20T21:39:00.000+08:00

The stupid neither forgive nor forget;
the naive forgive and forget;
the wise forgive but do not forget.

~Thomas Szasz~

i'm sorry, poor woman.

2009-04-10T15:48:00.006+08:00

This is a story of a man, who claims to believe in a God. A man who'd introduce his family to the world and sing praises of them.

He went for a golfing trip in Jakarta with some collegues and his nice lovely wife and 2 little kids would happily send him off at the airport.

In Jakarta, he did golf, of course, but at night he'd hire prostitutes for the fun of it.

And when he got back to Kuala Lumpur, his wife would flung into his arms and welcome him home. This is the same wife who adores him, makes him his meals, irons his clothes, bore him his children and take care of his home.

I looked at her and my heart goes out for her. But many things are better left unsaid. What she doesn't know may not hurt her. I'm so sorry poor, little, woman. I too, was just like you.

Is there fairness in this?

3 fugly losers?

2009-04-09T10:20:00.005+08:00

I was reading through my latest blog post titled: And He made all things beautiful today. And as i got to the end, i realized that there was a new comment posted. I won't say it's nasty, because it could get nastier. I wont say it's mean because I am sure 'anonymous' has his/her own reasons. I honestly, just shrugged and smile because truthfully, i think it's sad.

It is sad that anonymous thinks I am ugly. I am not a beauty queen (definitely), but i have never heard anyone told me that i am fugly (i assumes 'fugly' means 'fucking ugly'). Vainly speaking, i know people would still turn and stare when i am in shopping malls. More often than not, friends would tell me that i am a hot catch. I dont need you to agree, no, not at all. I think i have enough self confidence to live by daily to know that i am a pretty blessed creature.

I am not going to boast, i may not be perfect (a far cry from it) but honestly, at 27, there's nothing more i could ask God for. I am pretty good looking (haha) Yes, i stand at 5'6 and constantly think i have weight issues, but i know for a fact, i do not. I have done emceeing jobs, a number of print ads (i dont think i can be that fugly). I have travelled widely & seen many things. I have a beautiful family & we love each other to death. I have got GREAT friends who stuck by me through thick and thin & they adore me like hell, as much as I, them. I have got a great carier & i make a fair share of *kching *kching, i have had great relationships & i know God has something coming at me ;) --> you see, if you noticed my blogs, there are many time that i do not appreciate all these good things around me. I bitch and moan and cry and complain about things i do not have. But today it was different. i didn't moan. I didn't bitch. I sat down and think about what was posted & realized that it didn't hurt me one bit.

But when i read the comments today, it made me realize that there are people who will always try to put you down. Be it anger? envy? I don't know. And i know it isn't just me. Have you, at one point of your life,become a victim of jealousy and ill-intentions? How did you react? Did you burst out in anger and got defensive? Did it hurt your self esteem? Did it crush you? Did it help you re-evaluate who are really are? But at the end of it, did you emerge a better person?

Thank you dear Mr/Ms. Anonymous, your comment have left me thanking God for all the blessings HE has graciously given me. Your comments have made me spare that half an hour with a God i haven't remembered in a long long time & it has helped me re-evaluate all my strengths and my weaknesses: Suprisingly, my half and hour quiet moment has help me emerge into a better, more grateful person.

*****************************************************

Anonymous said...
3 fugly losers.
9:20 PM

Anonymous said...
Ugly - Veronneca
Uglier - Linda
Ugliest - Jacque

Fat - Veronneca
Fatter - Jacque
Fattest - Linda

Tall,ugly,fat - Veronneca
Taller,fatter,ugliest- Jacque
Uglier,fattest,Shortest (midget) - Linda
11.43 pM

Family - Perfectly Imperfect

2009-04-08T13:34:00.001+08:00

'....At the end, it's these small things that you remember, the little imperfections, that makes them perfect for you'

and HE made all things beautiful

2009-04-03T16:13:00.000+08:00

so my bestfriend's pregnant :)

it is not just any other pregnancy (oh my God!, it's not!) because she's been trying so hard and stressing out so much about becoming pregnant. I would totally understand where she's coming from: I mean try going to a gathering of friends who's been married as long as you are and they've popped out 1, perhaps 2 kids? I somehow believed that this is plainly the way of life. You get some, you lose some. Sometimes, you just don't. You can stare into the heavens, cry your eyes out and hope that God would give you a sign, some kind of answer: but nope. No answers.

Don't get me wrong, i am not indifferent. In fact, I'm delighted! More than that, I'm relieved. I'm relieved that she doesn't need to attend another function and wonder how come everyone's carrying a bundle. I'm relieved that she doesn't have to ask 'Why not me?', I'm relieved that she doesn't need to spend another cent on a gynae who tells her to try again and again. I'm relieved that she doesn't need to go for another surgery, I'm relieved that i for one, would stop asking God 'why do bad things happen to good people' and 'why do good thing happen to bad people?'

Maybe as much as it is a blessing to her, it also gave me an answer to my question: Could God be really that mean? Would God come up with a sick joke & say 'hey, you know, you just don't look like a mom material to me! ' Maybe? Maybe not? Perhaps if God made her wait and then gave her all the good things in abundance, maybe He'd be good to me too. Perhaps, he's giving ALL the good things to those who waits.

This is perhaps an evidence of hope.

Would we get everything we'd hope for if we hope hard enough? Is this a test of hope and belief. What do you hope about? Who do you hope to? How do you hope? When do you start? Or do we get what we hope for when we start learning to leave things the way it is and learn to let go?

Would this be, maybe a question of fate?

How do you define fairness or unfairness? If you were pregnant and say, your bestfriend isn't, would it still be fair? Does God play favourite? Or is it something one SHOULD or SHOULDN'T do? Who were to say if one deserves to and the other doesn't? Does God decide what should or shouldn't happen with no arguments? What if we plead? What if we got the whole world to pray for us? Would God still tell you that it's fated?

Another friend's pregnant, another friend's starting a new family, another friend's getting married: And there i am still trying to figure out what i'm doing with my life. Hence, you'll keep seeing my post, asking questions after questions. This isn't just MY question, it is your too, isn't it? Will my friend get pregnant? When will she find her match? Will my brother be cured of cancer? Would he be a better person? Will good things come to me? Maybe, only maybe, you will find your answer, somehow. Maybe, It is just a question of time. No, i mean, I know, it is just a question of time. He made things in HIS time and it couldn't be better.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."God please help me remember this when things are so very hard and when all hope seems faint,. Help me remember. Help me remind my friends & the people I love, so that they too, will remember.

P/S: To my friend, who got pregnant: You deserve all things wonderful simply because you are. He has made THIS time & it is going to be beautiful :)

thank you

2009-04-01T07:49:00.000+08:00

After 3.5 weeks of being away, i am glad to be finally home. I am glad to be staring at my familiar buddha painting or sniff that familiar smell of coffee brewing in my kitchen. I am just glad that i no longer need to come back to an empty, cold hotel room.

There is, however,one thing in particular that would set me on a bitching mode, when i get home from a long travel : House Cleaning!

There's toilets to scrub (3 toilets to be specific), Beds to make,Floors to sweep, Laundies to wash, hang and fold, Dishes to clean, Plants to water and yadee yadee yadaa.

I started off by sweeping & mopping the floor. And then i did everything else. Everything else, except the toilet. I for one, in particular, HATE washing toilets. The scrubbings aren't pleasant. And as i squat down to brush the floor, i began to realized how much my back hurts by just squatting and leaning over the bathtub. I looked at my wrinkled hands and realized that they'd probably be screaming for help from the harsh contact with water and the strong cleaning solution. And have you ever accidentally get dirt under your nicely manicured fingernails..? Urrgghhh, not a pretty sight! In fact, everytime i see that, i stop to scrub them out.

After 15 minutes and an unbearable aching back, and a stain that refused to get off the bathtub, i got so frustrated and sat on the wet floor. For a moment, i though about HOME, yes, i thought of the home i HAD. The home that wasn't so lonely, the home that was constantly filled with screamings, dramas, and not a flicker short of love. I thought of the home that smells like apple pie. I thought about the home that has always been nicely made for me. I was transported back to the time when my mom told me to wash the toilets and i used to scream and cry and moan about how much work that is. I use to gag at the fact that i need to get the dishes washed and i need to dig out the remaining crumbs.... but how did i end up doing ALL these excruciating chores now? If there is one thing i could do now, i'd like to apologize to my mom for me being such a lazy, pain-in-the-arse.

Mommy,

I remembered having my bed made every morning and coming home to a table with food (i did not realize then, just how much work these simple-looking chores require), everyday, without fail, but I couldn't remember once saying “thank you.” Even if it took me 27 years and a house to scrub to realize the labor of love that you gave your 3 daughters every day, I won't want to wait another minute to let you know now that i am thankful for every single sacrifices.

I thank you for putting so much effort (now i know it is hard work) in making our home a clean and comfortable one.
I thank you for screaming at me to get off the phone, at least i didn't turn out a brat.
I thank you for telling me off when i didn't live up to your expectations, it made me a better person.
I thank you for allowing me to make mistakes, only to know that you are there to console me afterwards.
I thank you for tolerating my mood swings, my tantrums, my mistakes.
I thank you for providing me with everything a daughter would need.
And despite all these, i can't never thank you enough.

You are truly a remarkable woman and i have never wished for a better mother than you already are. I know that you very often try to fly in and help me manage my house. I know that sometimes, you want to tell me to stop doing what i am doing because it is going to hurt me. I know you read my blog and i know many a times, you want to reach out to me and tell me it's okay. But it really is, because after all the things you taught me, I am capable of being on my own, and definitely capable of scrubbing these annoying floors :)

Love from your floor scrubbing, toilet cleaning, dish washing daughter.
Jessy.

HAPPY?

2009-02-02T16:27:00.000+08:00

The economy crisis is hitting many parts of the world & people are beginning to spend only on neccesities & that makes businesses bad. In desperate times like these, i looked at my year end holiday plans & supposedly 'christmas gift list' & sigh the longest sigh & pray for the best.

Yesterday as i was sitting in my office trying to figure the accounts out and staring blankly at the bank statement, a thoughtful colleague popped her head in and told me to cheer up. She had a twinkle in her eye and cheerfully told me to 'chill'. and when i gave her my gloomy smile, she came in and said 'Oh, Veronica, what would it take to make you happy? I mean really happy?'

Simple Question.

Difficult Answer.

What would or could make me happy?

At the age of 10, a birthday party would make me very very happy.

At the age of 15, a brand new tennis racquet & a roller blade.

At the age of 18, the brown Guess tote bag.

At the age of 21, a Louis Vuitton bag.

At the age of 25, a car, THE car and a big house.

What would make me happy now? i mean, really,really, happy.
What would make you happy?

Would the things that make you happy today, still makes you happy tomorrow?

village bicycle

2008-10-29T19:44:00.000+08:00

how do you call a woman who sleeps around? SLUT
how do you call the man who entertain the woman who sleeps around? SLUT

and she had the heart to keep it a secret to protect her reputation.
and he had the guts to justify.

Both. SLUTS!

...and they deserve nothing but each other.

The accident

2008-10-04T11:22:00.000+08:00

This is a story about an automobile accident that did not kill me, but killed my hopes.

I was in Las Vegas (intoxicated with thick cigarette smoke, booze & indecencies) all week, when I suddenly feel the urge to do something more natural, more peaceful, I’d say. So I threw a tee shirt, a small face towel, a tube of sun screen, my i-pod and a bottle of mineral water into my little gym bag cum. Run away bag and drove up to Arizona to see the Grand Canyon.

The 5 hours drive from Las Vegas to the Grand Canyon was more difficult than I had anticipated (I made 3 coffee stops, 2 food stops & a million toilet stops ). I personally felt that these stops meant a lot more than just stops, because, looking back, I had a lot of fun talking to the locals from these small towns & I enjoyed explaining to them where Malaysia is, on the world map. Surprisingly, many of them get all tickled when I told them that Kuala Lumpur is a trillion times bigger and more modern than their small ‘kampung’. I learnt a few things myself. How people live in a small community of 40 families, their daily newspaper that revolves around this small group of people, the who’s who, and the yearly beauty pageant –reminds me a lot of my yearly high school newsletter. Perhaps, even my school has a larger population!

The Grand Canyon was nothing short of breathtaking. The spectacular view would make anybody feel like crying. After at least 3 different stops & a trillion pictures later, I decided that I have had enough of canyons & valleys and hurriedly packed my sunnies and caps and drove off.

And that is when it happened! As I was driving down the straight narrow road, an SUV suddenly swerved right into my lane and hit me. It must have hit me pretty hard as my little Toyota Camry started to spin. And before I knew it I, my car began spinning and then it hit another on-coming sedan. I could go on and on about my first ever automobile accident nightmare. However, I am still so traumatized by the thought that I’d rather not elaborate but thank God for keeping me very safe and very alive! Conclusion? Nobody got hurt, I got driven back to Las Vegas (yes, another dreadful 5 hours drive) by a very kind police officer & was left with a very expensive bill for the damage.

This is the irony:

When I got into the accident, it was 7 in the evening (U.S time) and that makes it 4 in the morning (Malaysian time). I was so traumatized that I immediately send a text message to probably the 3 most important people in my life to tell them about the incident; my mom, my best friend and I guy I was seeing. The first reply came almost immediately. My mom asked how I was followed by a prayer that she insisted I read out loud (yes, she does that a lot. Amen!). The reply from my best friend came 2 hours later (just about time she woke up and get ready for work) telling me animated, specific instructions to get myself a full body check up. The third reply never came. But I waited and waited. Hopeful.

Was it that the 2 earlier replies did not matter? Nope, of course not, in fact they 2 replies made me feel so much better. But would it make any difference if the third reply came at all? Of course it would. It wasn’t much of the text message or the phone call. It was the string of hope that came with it. I was hopeful that these 3 people would care if I was dead, or if I was injured. I was hopeful that they’d do all they could to make sure I am safe, that I am loved. It mattered that the 3 most important people in my world, feel the same way about me.

And so I waited and waited.

The final reply came the next morning, at 6 am (U.S time). And it says “I’m sorry sweetheart, I saw your message but was too busy to reply. I’m in Thailand now. Are you okay?” (he flew into Thailand for a short holiday). And it dawned upon me. IF someone important to you told you that she’s gotten into a very bad car accident, would you wait 10 hours to reply? It is a question I don’t need an answer to.

It was probably not about the accident. But when I got back to my hotel that night, I cried myself to sleep. I thought about what had happened and what shouldn’t have happen. I thought of the other car and remembered how my heart felt like it was going to stop beating when I couldn’t control the movement of the car and watch helplessly when it hit the passenger side, right into the baby’s seat. (For your information, the car stopped right on time and the door was badly damaged. However, the baby was unharmed) I remembered closing my eyes & for one lonely second, muttered a desperate prayer to a God that I have long forgotten. I thought about the forlorn conversation with the kind, empathic police officer. And I curl myself under the blanket & cried myself to sleep. I felt a fever coming.

Have you ever felt so alone? So abandoned? So unimportant? Or so small, perhaps? Have you ever waited, with intense hope, for something that that will never come? Did it hurt you like it did me? Or when your hope is dashed, do you blame yourself for hoping too much?

I began to question my self worth.

I began to question what and who are important to me. Maybe, the real question was: who am I important to?

I began wondering what would have happened if my car fell off the cliff (yes, that would have made the headlines: ‘Death at the Grand Canyon’) or if I have killed the baby (What’s the punishment for reckless driving & causing death? Was it lifetime imprisonment?) Above all that, I wondered who would come to my rescue, or hold my hand when I needed it.

For that one long moment, i was tranported back to the time when i was 11. That was the year when my dad moved out. I woke up excited on the morning of my birthday and rushed to the sitting room and found my presents. I was greeted by my mom and siblings and there were the birthday wishes, the hugs, the presents, the crowd, the birthday cake. I was half expecting my dad to turn up at the birthday party but after 2 hours and nothing, i started to feel really sad. And then i hoped he'd send a present or probably call. But still, nothing. Was there a good excuse for him to not remember is child's birthday? Nope, he just wouldn't care.

And then i remembered when i was 23, when i so wanted THE job. Yes, after sending many letters and applications, i not only NOT get the job, they didn't even bother replying! Then there were the constant 'What went wrong?' or 'Was i not good enough' or 'Maybe i should've written it like that'. My hopes where high-but obviously, someone out there didn't think it was high enough.

And i cried and cried. I cried bacause the pain is the same. It's the same feeling of loneliness, the same feeling like i am sinking & desperate to reach out for something, anything!

But well. I am alive and safe. Perhaps one can never find the answers to all these important and crucial ‘what if’ questions until the ‘ugly’ happens. Perhaps one will never know who his/her true friends are until tragedy strikes. But I learnt one thing that day. That a simple text message reply has helped me place the who’s who and the who’s where in my life.

The Grand Canyon

I wanna be somebody else

2008-09-24T22:44:00.000+08:00

I was in the States in August for about 20 days for a work trip. My work requires me to travel to both Boston & Los Angeles. However, me being ME, i had to make a trip to everywhere else! The best part is, my 'everywhere else' trip happens to be the best places on earth *wink! I got to hang out in New York, Las Vegas & even got to see the Grand Canyon.! Now, not that there's anything particularly dramatic that i'd like to blog about, but hmm... how can i miss the part when i got into an almost tragic accident?

Let me put it this way, i was gonna start crinkling my nose, pull my glasses up & start indulging on an emotional, heart wrenching story, BUT i think this is the best version on what happened to me: Plainly written by my dearest, hillarious, good friend, Jacky (http://www.thepuppyfacediary.blogspot.com)
************************************************
Got one more story, the other day Linda called me, frantically half-shouted over the phone

Linda: "I must, must, must tell you this"
Me: Uh-huh??
Linda: Veron.. She involved in an accident..in Vegas (oh, I hope I got the location right..sometimes my memory fails me)
Me: What? How?
Linda: She drove..beda..bedu...beda..bedu... (no, that is not what she told me exactly, but I'm having amnesia right now, I can't remember the rest.. yes, my memory IS that bad but I remembered this--->)... She slammed her chest against the steering wheel, luckily she's ok just a chest pain.
Me: (at this point my head went blank and say).. Oh my, is her breasts ok? (I don't know what was I thinking, instead of chest, I mentioned breast)

Jesus! No...I'm no pervert..and not a lesbian either if that was what you're thinking right after you read my sentence above

Okay, I dunno how am I going to put this in a non-offensive way and as respectful as possible, but our beloved Veron have an "asset" that will make all womankind envious of her, that includes me. She have great package : Pretty, Sexy, Tall and an Einstein brain, not forget to mention, very successful in her young age. And with that "asset", she's a knock out.

So, when I heard about the incident, what more with that "she slammed her chest to the steering wheel" sentences, I can't help but think "OMG, OMG, I hope her breast is ok, nanti flat chested pulak kawan I sorang ni" ***************************************************
Now firstly, correction to a few information:

1) I got into an accident at the Grand Canyon. I hit a car and my car spun and hit another car. That's like a 3 car accident. My car was so damaged that i had to be driven back on a 5 hours journey (Arizona to Vegas) in a police car. It could have been worst because:

(i) There's a baby in the other car, i could've injured her if my car did not stop spinning on time. If anything would have happened to the baby, I'd probably be in some women jail in Nevada.

(ii) We were so near the cliff, we could've fallen off and die a tragic death. Well, at least it will make it to the headlines!

(iii) I injured my knees & my chest (not exactly my boobs, Jacky) from the impact. Thank God i was wearing the seat belt, or else, i would have injured myself worst!

2) A breast is just a breast. It's like any other piece of meat or flesh on your body. It's like the flabs on your stomach! hahaha... even though i have no complains about my boobs, i wished people would pay less attention to them. I once told a guy friend of mine: 'Why do people put so much emphasis on one's boobs? I mean look at supermodels, they're flat chested, but they are gorgeous. OR look at a woman with a nice pair of boobs, they can be gorgeous too!' What does that mean? People cannot be fugly or good looking depending on the size of their boobs! hahaha

3) referring to the statement: "our beloved Veron have an "asset" that will make all womankind envious of her, that includes me. She have great package : Pretty, Sexy, Tall and an Einstein brain, not forget to mention, very successful in her young age. And with that "asset", she's a knock out.":

Do you know there were days when i have to drag myself out of my bed (& my depression) and wished i was someone else?

There are days that i wished i was Jacky: I wished i had a boyfriend like hers who showers her with some much attention, brings her places, buy her things, takes care of her well being, take time to fight with her! I wished i can go home & write blogs & hang out, i wished i could go back to Kuching every weekends to see my family, rather than staying in the office worrying about bills.

There were days when i wished i was Linda: I wished i had a husband who tells me what's wrong and what right. I wished i have someone to share my burdens & talk to. I wish i could throw tantrums and set demands :-) I wished someone would buy me the lovely flowers she gets! i just want those f**king flowers for God's sake!

I sometimes wished i was Emelia: At least i have something to look forward to everyday- Eva. At least i have a reason to wake up every morning & i have a reason to come back home every evening. She once told me 'Having Eva made me realize even more that i need ot take care of myself, becasue i know someone needs me, more than i need myself.'

How about being Marlia for a day? She gets to go for great holidays every year! You name it, London, Amsterdam etc.. She has an extremely intelligent husband who ADORES and WORSHIPS her like a Goddess!

And there were days i wished i was Nasa: Blessed with GREAT looks, extremely smart, extremely everything. I wished i was like her, always being with the 'in' crowd, always enjoying her work & getting to go to the coolest events and meeting the coolest people. Always having things done her way.

Conclusion to my 'seriously-going-nowhere' entry:
It is always nicer & prettier looking in from the outside. How many times do we dragged ourself out of bed hoping that we could switch life for a day with so and so? How many times do allow ourself to soak in self pity & wished that we could be like so and so? The truth remains the same: Nope, my life isn't all rainbows & roses. I too, occasionally feel like zapping out of my body & become someone else. Sometimes, being Veronica Akiew is no fun after all :-(

tis the season to be merry..

2008-09-24T17:25:00.000+08:00

It's the fasting month (again) & raya's round the corner (again). Does anyone else feel the way i feel? sometimes life itself feels like a merry go round. 'Eh, hoorahh, it's hari raya! Eh, wait , this is so deja-vu, has this happened before?' Ddduuhhh... of course it has, people go through the same motion, the same excitement, the same activity year after year! Be it your birthday, or hari raya, or christmas or even the silly 'Why are you getting all hyped out and drunk to celebrate merdeka?' Has the celebration itself lost its TRUE meaning?

Come on! Face it! i know friends who find reasons for every seasons to get all big time wasted in a club .

'Oh God, it's Raya, hooray!! Jom, gi clubbing?'

'Eh, wahh... christmas eve. I'm getting all choked up & emotional. Jom clubbing?'

'Wei, it's new year la dei! Let's celebrate. Drink's on me! Jom?'

I mean come on! Can we celebrate say Christmas because it's CHRISTMAS? or shall we for once celebrate raya because it's RAYA? Do we still sit down on the eve of these festive season and ponder upon it's meaning? Do we still hear the true message? Or are we becoming too modernized, too commercialized?

This year, while having my usual buka puasa session in linda's place, it dawned upon me: Maybe this is THE true meaning of buka puasa. Having enough great home cooked meal to eat (instead of the extravagant RM 90.00++ buka puasa in some hotel), having people you love around the table (instead of clients who pretentiously buys you a buka puasa dinner to fish for a project), and the act of sharing & caring.

If you will. have a look at a commercial advertisement that advertises a buka puasa package. Does it hint family unity? Does it hint religion? Nope, it shouts glamour, it flaunts class, it shows fun! Is that the message of buka puasa, originally?

This is a picture a MY butterfly on the christmas tree during Christmas last year :-) Each of us had our very own butterfly to put up. Maybe Christmas is all about remembering who we are and where we belong.

My sisters: Jules & Vic before the christmas party. All smiles :-)

is there?

2008-07-21T16:19:00.000+08:00

"All our young lives we search for someone to love.We choose partners,
change partners... all the while wondering if there's someone, somewhere, searching for us."
-Author Unknown-

contact lenses

2008-06-18T12:39:00.000+08:00

i've got a question:

When one wears a colored contact lens: be it green, blue, brown or grey, Does everything, from the view of the person who wears them, becomes a little greener or bluer? A little more colorful perhaps?

If the answer is No, pardon my stupidity. I haven't worn one hence, my ignorance.

And if yes, and if contact lenses can help one build an image of what a person sees, why haven't anyone build, instead of colored contact lenses; contact lenses that are 'happy', 'bright' or maybe one of those 'feel good' lenses? Sure, i'd like to wear my 'happy' contact lenses when my days are gloomy Or 'positive' lenses when i am feeling down.

But if these lenses are never and will never be invented, maybe i should just wake up everyday and choose an imaginary contact lens for me to wear. Maybe 'happy' lenses on Monday, 'Creative' lenses on Tuesday, or perhaps, 'Kind' lenses on Wednesday? :)

P/S: This is a blog dedicated to my friend Nicky (whom i haven't seen for 8 years). I was just thinking aloud when we had coffee the other day and he remarked with a silly grin and an amuzed look an his face : 'Oh my God, you are so much drama in real life! Everything you said sounds exactly like your blog. This feels like I am actually listening to you read your blog aloud!' And i told him, that I shall pose this silly 'thought' mine on my blog & that shall also dedicate this to him.

Thanks again Nicky, for always entertaining my silly thoughts and my ridiculous never-ending-questions.

I'll shut up already

2008-06-15T14:13:00.000+08:00

In any relationship, there comes a point when you have to let go. It is natural human tendency wanting to be right and win every arguments, but if you want a long lasting relationship, you can't afford to be always right and you can't afford to always win- whether you are right or not.

It has always been about ME. i shout, i cry, i threatened, i demand, i throw tantrum, i hurl insult and say the meanest thing. I ALWAYS have it MY way. Yesterday, for the very first time in my entire life, during an argument, i decided to shut up ~ even though, naturally, i didn't think i was wrong.

How did it feel? Well, honestly, it sucks big time. I even had this whole animated conversation running through my head (i can almost imagine the characters -just like one you'd see in a comic strip) :

"Hey, this isn't fair. Why is he being so difficult? Maybe i should give him a piece of my mind."

"No, maybe i shouldn't. He's just going through the motion. He'll get over it and realize that he's just being mean."

"But if i don't tell him off, does that automatically make him right? Does that mean i condone such attitude? How can i even allow him to threat me like this?"

"But if i do tell him off, maybe it's going to aggravate his anger. And then he'll say something really mean and i'll probably say something mean back. Where does it end?"

If a person means the world to you:

Would you shut up, even if you weren't wrong?
Would you rather shut up so that it wouldn't hurt him/her even if it's going to hurt you?
Would you shut up even if it's going to risk you looking silly or simply pathetic?
Would you shut up if it's going to hurt your pride and dignity?

Back then, i wouldn't. But now, i guess i would.

I would. And i have decided to just shut the f**k up. Swallowed my cup of Starbucks Caramel Macchiato while trying very, very hard to hold my tongue and my tears. Amazingly, that was probably one of the best relationship decision i've made in a long, long time. Small steps, slowly but surely, one step at a time. AND surprisingly, my shutting up got me an apology :)

Sex and The City

2008-06-12T02:29:00.000+08:00

i finally got to watch Sex and the city , the movie. I know it hasn't primiered in Malaysia (or will never be screened at all in Malaysia), hence, the crazy, painful effort i took to watch it in Singapore with my friend, Cherry.

When i got out of the cinema, i excitedly called my friend Adam to asked him what he thought about the movie (Adam watched the movie a week back and i made him swear on his life to not tell me anything about the movie until i watched it). Surprisingly, i heard his grunt on the other end of the line telling me what a waste the movie was. And i went 'WHAT.....???'

Adam's opinion: It's a modern chick flick that doesn't make sense! What is the message they're trying to get across? That modern independant woman are becoming more materialistic and more whore-like? What kind of tag line, anyway, is:

''Year after year, twenty something women come to New York each year in search of the 2 L's: Labels and Love... Twenty years ago, i was one of them. Having gotten the knacks for Labels early.. i concentrated on Love'' -Carrie Bradshaw

And he casually mentions when it comes to LOVE, these 4 women, or specifically Carrie & Samantha are either stupid or plain naive.. and being plain naive at 40something, is plain pathetic!

Silence.

I cannot disagree. Point taken. As much as i LOVE the movie, and as much as i laughed and cried and pondered, i cannot disagree with what Adam said.

I came to the city for an education, a carrier, maybe love, i came in search for my true dream~of finding who i really am. I came looking for a LIFE: but then again, i must agree with Adam, there's so much more to that than just Labels and Love. 1 Louis Vuitton, 1 Gucci & 1 Prada later, it still leaves me empty. Labels doesn't give you happiness, it just keeps your mind off your sorrows for a while because you'll be too busy worrying about the debt! And after 3 Love later, i am still empty & alone. Full stop. You'd understand, i won't need to elaborate. You know what exactly i am talking about!

Will we ever find what we are truly searching for? Do people get so tired of searching for that one hit, that often, they give up and settle for something close (or maybe different)?

Are we often disillusioned by our environment or certain advertisement? or a TV series that demonstrate life at it's perfection perhaps? Are we desperate to find answers to our life that we often looks towards somebody else's life and want what they have? Do we look for things, labels, houses, cars, a portfolio, a model spouse to PRETEND like it makes our life truly complete? Isn't it sometimes, or afterall, about convincing ourselves?

However, there's something that i just love about Sex and The City: is that it is so painfully honest! So tragically Real. So dramatically ME.

I am sure many women, who have watched the movie will feel a connection to either one of the girls. Who wouldn't?

Imperfect spouses, crazy decisions, great girlfriends, heated arguments, the infidelities, the regrets, the centrifugal bliss, the occasional insecurities, the lies, the honesty,. Haven't we all been there?

Have you been a Carrie, or a Samantha, or a Charlotte or a Miranda at one point of your life? Or are you still there in their shoes? Have you ever watch an episode of Sex and the city and cried? Have you played that one scene in the movie in your head over and over again, but you see your face instead of Carrie's?

I have and i know.

Rihanna - Take A Bow

2008-06-11T16:01:00.001+08:00

How 'bout a round of applause.
Standing ovation

Oohhhh... yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah...

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

[Chorus]
Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' about, girl, I love you, you're the one
This just looks like the re-run
Please, what else is on

[Chorus]

And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

And the award for the best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be
Faithful to me
Lets hear your speech ohh

How about a round of applause
A standing ovation

[Chorus]
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

But it's over now

It's Complicated.

2008-06-04T13:03:00.000+08:00

It's complicated.

It's just so complicated!

It's complicated because he has a ghost that he drags with him and i am not about to play my ghost-buster role. Nope, i am just tired of fighting the ghost of my own past. And to deal with another person's ghost? I'm just not going to do it!

How do i untangle this whole string he has with his past? It is a choice he has to make~a choice i need to stop tugging at. Not my choice, but his choice entirely.

Do i tug at the end of my string? Yes, many a times, i struggle with it like hell. But i guess it is my own issue and i am going to deal with it myself. Why do i need to hurt another person when i hurt? Why do i need to drag another person down when i am down?

Here is, what hurts:

I love the way the fact that you make me breakfast : Smile
You know, my ex doesn't ever make me breakfast, i guess she isn't an early person: Frown

I appreciate you ironing my shirts: Smile
My ex couldn't iron to save her life! : Frown

Thank you for being so nice to me: Smile
No ex doesn't ever do such things for me: Frown

You want to see a picture of my ex? (which happens to be in his phone) : This isn't just a Frown. I honestly felt like i was going to drop dead and die! (Yup, for a split second i imagined myself in the body of a tiny fly and zappp.. i got hit by a newspaper. A smack right into my face!)

And there were the constant conversation of:
My ex girlfriend's father once said... or You know, she used to... or we have never...WHATEVER!
Does he really think i want to know about his exes? Or what are their favourite food? OR what they look like? Or what their childhood's like? As ignorant as it may sound, i would rather not know, because what i do not know will not hurt me!

It take two to make things works. And this one needs one hell of an EXORCISM! I feel a war coming. It is going to be a face-off: it's me and the ghost. Only one will make it.

Just the same

2008-05-26T16:29:00.000+08:00

Picture (L-R): Vicky, Jeya, Vignesh, Gopi, Anneta, Yours Truly.

I was at Gopi and Anneta's wedding on Saturday and had tons of fun! It is amazing how i had this whole deja-vu feeling when i saw my university friends again. These are the same bunch of people i used see everyday: The classes, the skipping classes, the holiday trips, the drinking session, the stay overs, the laughs, the giggles, the cries, the crime and the childish fights.

And I remembered those days,clearly, that if there's one question everybody in uni would ask me, it would be:
Why do you hang out with this bunch of indian kids? Answer: Because FRIENDS do not discriminate & i would still love them despite their skin color.

And occasionally, some of my other friends would jokingly call me Veronica Muthusamy (which supposedly sound indian) & would say phrases in simple Tamil to see if i understand. The fact is: I'd still be obsessively in love with myself (yes, that is my constant perasan-ness) even if i was born a Veronica Lodge, a Veronica Muthusamy or a Veronica Tan instead of a Veronica Akiew.

Would it all be different if they were darker or better looking or smarter or wealthier?

Do we still build still fences around us and guard ourselves from people who have less?

OR do we build fences around us and guard ourselves from people who have more?

Why do we build clicks, how do we choose our friends? Who are our spouses?

Could it be the money? OR maybe their social status? OR their influence?

The painful reality is: The rich hangs out with the rich, the good looking poeple are somehow chained to one another. The successful ones sniffs each other out from the crowd and we, being what we're good at, would easily pass our 'harmless' judgement of 'ahhh... yes, these are the group of under-achievers' when we see them.

ME? i simply fell in love with this insane bunch of people who threw erasers at me, copied my homeworks, pulled my hair and threw water-filled ballons from a 4 storey high apartment at me. In fact, i have learnt the meaning of respect more than i ever did at any other point of my life: Yes, i was taught to repect another person's religion, culture and believe.

What are the differences? I would have to fill in 'others' in the race column whereas they would fill in 'indian', i would fill in 'Chritian' in the religion column, whereas they, 'Hindu',

The similarities? We know that if ever, anyone of us gets into trouble, we would be there for each other in a heartbeat.

I guess, it is sad, that many of us grew up in a community that brainwashes us to stereotype even before we are able to make our own sane judgement. Now my question would be: Look really hard at this picture and tell me, do you see more differences than similarities?

this smile of mine

2008-05-16T17:32:00.000+08:00

"There is nothing more deceptive than a smile. And no one knows this better than the people who hide behind them. Some flash their teeth as a polite warning to their enemies. Some put on beaming faces to keep their tears from falling. Others wear silly grins to mask their fear. But then, there is that rare smile that is actually genuine, it's the smile of a person who knows his troubles will soon…be over."
Mary Young-Desperate Housewives

I was reading through Linda's Blog this morning and was so deeply touched by something she wrote. In her post 'Count on me', she spoke about a friend who went through a painful breakup, and she wrote that particular post to assure this friend of hers, that's it is all going to be okay, and that she can always count on her: One line in particular mentioned that this friend of hers is constantly putting a brave front, simply because she wouldn't want people to see how sad she really is: And this friend is ME.

Why do i need to always put up a brave front?
Why do i need to flash my pretty smiles?
Why do i need to pretend that everything's perfect when it's a far cry that that?
Why do i laugh out loud & loose myself in the wonders of small moments?
Why do i constantly shrug personal questions off, smile and said 'i don't care?'

Because, it hurts to think about it, left alone, talk about it.
Because i can't afford to indulge myself in self-pity.
Because i need to protect this fragile heart of mine.
Because i know i can handle this perfectly own my own.
AND because i know, my troubles will soon (fingers crossed) be over~ and that's genuine!

I guess it isn't just me. Look around you... See those pretty smiles? See those people around who masked their inscurities so well? Well, i guess they too, hope with all their heart, that their predicaments shall be over soon.

And Linda, as much as i know that i am able to handle this on my own, i too, know that having a friend like you is a great comfort. And as much as i know that these smiles can hide my fears and my tears, i have also learnt that sometimes, i don't need to hide them at all :)

my ghost

2008-05-05T15:47:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 7 this morning, and in my blurness, i forgot where i was for a second ~ that being so me, was totally normal. But what confuses me next was unexplainable. I heard a soft hum that came from my bathroom. And yes, the soft hum sounded like mister-in-the-past and yes, he was humming MY song. For that one moment, i lay there still, painfully knowing that it isn't real~ and yet, i so wanted it to be real that i just closed my eye and basked myself in that feeling for the next few minutes until i fell asleep. And when i finally woke up, i knew he was never there and will never be.

Does the ghost of your past haunts you sometimes? Did you ever forget?

Do you still see your ghost in your favourite restaurant? Or do you still feel your ghost lying next to you? Do you still smell that familiar scent and feel nostalgic or do you still hear him hum your tune?

Can one ever totally forget one's past? Or are we destined to live with the past and deal with it? Do i pretend that it isn't there? or should i stop pretending? What if i stop pretending, and start hurting? And what next? Where does the hurt end?

Now tell me. How do we forget? Or can we ever?

Every woman should...

2008-04-29T15:21:00.000+08:00

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a youth she's content to leave behind.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE one friend who always makes her laugh,and one who lets her cry.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a feeling of control over her destiny....

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW that she can't change the length of her calves,the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW what she would and wouldn't do for love or more.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW whom she can trust,whom she can't,and why she shouldn't take it personally.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW where to go, be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...

- Nasa sent this article by Pamela Redmond Satran via e-mail today. I think it's very inspiring !!

Conventional Romance

2008-04-22T17:39:00.000+08:00

In a world where true love is almost unheard of, we are accustomed to believe that we date, settle down and live with a partner simply because it is convenient. Sometimes, we got pushed along that line simply because it is THE right thing to do, or maybe it is the right thing everybody say it is.

I for one instance, am a hopeless romantic. As lame as it may sound, i can still see that glimmer of hope for my fairytale romance to happen. And yet, many would smile and said 'Nope, no way in hell can a fairytale romance happen'!. And because of the almost non-existance faith we have in love, I know of friends who jumped right into a relationship with a guy they hardly know because they were lonely/ bored. Or that other friend who got married to an arsehole because her parent's told her that she 'is expiring'. Oh, and did i mention Mandy who 'just wanna have fun'?

I mean, seriously, what happened to that 'conventional' way of dating that my mom use to tell me about? The hours and hours of phone calls, the endless coffee sessions, the holding hands and the head over heel gazes? Why are we so insensitive, so sanitized, so jaded? Do people even bother knowing your middle name before jumping into bed with you? Do people genuinely care for each other? Does a marriage vow mean anything more than a piece of nicely filed paper? Are sacrifices and compromises still practical? When a relationship falls apart, do we jump back in, tug at the other end , change our ways and swear that we won't give? Or do we simply say 'Oooppss...', walk away and start all over anew-in hope that the new person will make you VERY happy??

I guess i would like to believe that there is something good in store for me (fingers crossed).
I would not ever let someone talk me into what's right and what's normal to do ~because for now, as long as i am comfortable being in my own skin, i really do not need to be answerable to anyone. The truth is, there's just a lot of questions that i am incapable of answering at this moment. I have absolutely no asnwers to the hows, the whens and the whos. AND about running towards that line of being in a relationship again, maybe later, maybe one day i will wake up feeling inspired... and i will know then, exactly what to do!

Wish me luck!

Attack of the new species

2008-04-22T08:43:00.000+08:00

This is a picture taken during Emi's hens nite party, 29/02/08: Me, Linda, Emelia & the bride to be, Emi.

Yes this is MY era where the singles are running towards the final line of 'Ahhh..i'm getting married!' While being single, to me, is a great idea, many would run towards the other direction and take that one big risk of thier lives: MARRIAGE!!

I was at Emi's hen's nite party on Friday and it was tons of fun. I was sitting there, with a horrible unproportionate mix of vodka vanilla and ribena (which taste like cough syrup) when someone came up to me and said 'When is it your turn?'. Gasppss.... and i can't help but wonder: Does the pressure of getting married become overwhelming when your age gets close to the big three-oh line? If you are not married would you be WIERD? Would people still think that there's something irreversably wrong with you that you're so undesireable?

In a world where women feed and fend for themselves, would the function of a man to a woman become obsolete? Even worst, Who needs a what? A man? Would it become burdensome or even unnecessary? Why need a man to support you financially when you can get a good carier and spend your own money without begging? Need protection & security? Go join a taekwon-do lesson. Need company? Hang out with your girlfriends! Need some fun? Go dancing, go shopping, go renovate your home! Need some romance? You dont need to be married- cuz marriage kills romance. And my list would go on and on about quarrels, in-laws and divorces. How many married people can look me in the eye and said 'You oughta get maried cuz i can never be happier than i already am'? Well, i am sure there are but i betcha, not many!

But then again, sometimes as i sit in my usual spot having my cup of coffee, it would struck me and my defiance against marriage-of how much 2 person could love each other so much and grow old together. Would one trade freedom and fun for security and romance? I am not an activist whose mission is to kill the idea of happily-ever-after, but then again, all i asked for is... I don't judge you for being married, so stop judging me for being not! What difference does it make really? Would one be happier if they were Single? Married? or Divorced? Does being married for instance, makes you a better person than one who's divorced?

And to the lady you asked 'When is it your turn?' Well, not yet.
I'm hot, i'm hip, i'm charismatic and at times, funny ... but why am i single and not married?
Because i can.
Because i chose to.
And because i am independant and proud of it!

Confused

2008-04-02T16:36:00.000+08:00

I was sitting in front of my notebook all day, looking at this blogspace. I haven't been very busy and my non-entry is simply an act of blurness. I looked at this same blank page at least a dozen times, stared at it so hard that my eyes were going to pop out of its socket.

It is just big time wierd. Why do i have nothing to say? Why do i feel so cold? Where has all my feelings gone? Have i blocked out so much of my emotions by choice that i am on auto-cruise and am just crusing into nothingness? Where are the dramas? Where are the fun?

Or am i (God Forbid) growing old and boring? There were things i used to love which has quickly turned into boring chores.

Late night parties are now replaced with midnight soap operas.
Fancy tight dresses are now replaced with monotoned suit.
Glasses of fancy wine are replaced with mugs and mugs of coffee.
Screaming dramas and eye rolling sessions are now replaced with passive nods and smiles.

Habits grow old. People grow old. Even emotions grow old . . .

Why do people grow out of love as fast as they grow into love?
Why do people think they're in love one minutes and in the next, think they're not?
Why do you want a that green dress on Zara's window so bad today and chuck in at the far corner of your wardrobe tomorrow?
Why do you think your life couldn't be any better in the morning and in the evening, it couldn't get any worst?

Am i just confused or has everything about me grown old? Does things, or situations or even LIFE itself ever remain the same? OR does it spins and changes so fast that we are always constantly running to catch up? What if at one point, we just fail to catch up? What if we got so tired of chasing after what's 'updated, in and hot', we just give up and slug behind? Does that mean we are slowly expiring?

Looking back on the life is used to live, it does, still tickle my fancy and i miss those good old days. However, i guess i have got to run forward to catch up with what's in front of me now :)

My baby blues

2008-02-25T16:07:00.000+08:00

I had a brunch date with Linda, Emelia and our newest member, baby Eva Fernandez last Sunday. It suddenly occur to me how fast she has grown (i mean, 2 months back she can barely sit up and she was so fragile that i was afraid to hold her!) However, this time, she was sitting up and kicking... and i realized that i AM in love!

What is it exactly?

Is it the baby blues; of simply wanting a baby because everyone around you has one? Is owning a baby now an 'in-trend'? Does carrying an adorable bundle with you equates carrying a Gucci or a Prada? What the hell happened to the Guccis and Pradas anyway? Back then, in those days, pregnant women and women with young kids simply sits at home and'protect' their baby from the big mean world, but now, look around, say Bangsar, pregnant women are hip, happening, in-trend and is proud of their full figure. Babies? Need I say more? Look into a prem and you'll see a nicely decorated kid wearing a Guess? overall... And the prem? Burberry of course!

You see, doesn't all these just screams VERONICA AKIEW?!! Jane has a LV luggage bag, I WANT ONE! Lyn has a nice condo, I WANT ONE! Kathy has the latest Pucci office dress, I WANT ONE! A baby....? Ermm... that's not exactly my idea of 'Glamorous', but then again, I WANT ONE! It is a WANT that defies reason, a want that defies glamour, it's a want that defies logic... but yet again, it is THE want that got stuck in my heart...

I know many would nod and give me a wry smile.. 'Yes, she thinks it's all easy peasy. Wait till she deals with the crying and screaming and drooling and fever~' Wait, that's precisely what my best friend just remarked over the phone. But how do you explain loving 'A THING' for no obvious reason? I know many people has done that, and many has felt that. Sometimes, it's about loving a person unconditionally without a reason or a purpose. And i know Emilia and Zachy will probably nod in agreement, or so will my mom. Strange yet very true... True love has got to be felt with the heart, not seen or evaluated with logical calculation. Well, i guess till then, till the day i own this little 'want' of mine, I'll probably stalk my friends who's got a baby and indulge myself in that short heavenly moment of motherhood!

p/s: So now Linda, i understand this crazy WANT of yours. Cuz i too, want one.

Girls just wanna have fun

2008-02-21T12:10:00.000+08:00

Pic Inset: Yours truly, linda, marlia, alynn, emelia (Jacky had to miss this session)

Our originally little bitching group of 3 has now grown into a medium size bitching party.

Here's a toast to the old and new members:

1. Yours truly

2. Linda Ismail

3. Jacky Tarek

4. Emelia Lim

5. Alynn

6. Marlia

once a fornightly bitching session is definitely good for the soul... if this gets any bigger, we could start a whole movement!

The overwhelming kind of LOVE

2008-02-01T22:24:00.000+08:00

i had to fly into india last week for some last minute work arrangement. While running around almost non-stop, meeting my suppliers and publishers, i decided to take a breather by visiting the famous 'Taj Mahal'. Honestly, i am not exactly a big fan of museums or monuments i.e temples and tombstone~ simple because, everything that doesn't move bores me within the first 15 minutes of my visit.

Well, when i got there, i was instantly bored and was cursing myself for being too smart (the drive up to the town of Agra from Delhi took a whole 3.5 hours~which dissolves almost all the patience i have inside my body!).However, when the guide approached me, i was instantly taken by his friendliness and fluency in english (which made my day, big time!). AND he took me on a tour inside and around the Taj and here's his story:

It has been called the most beautiful temple in the world, despite the fact that it was built at the cost of much human life. The Taj Mahal is a real monument of one man's love for a woman. The story is a sad one.

In 1631, when his wife , Mumtaj died in childbirth, the emperor Shah Jahan brought to Agra the most skilled craftsmen from all Asia and even Europe, to build the white marble mausoleum that is the Taj Mahal. He intended to build a black marble mausoleum for himself, and the link between the two was to be a silver bridge. This fantastic plan suffered a dramatic and permanent setback when the Shah himself died.

Its stunning architectural beauty is beyond description, particularly at dawn and at sunset when it seems to glow in the light. On a foggy morning, it looks as though the Taj is suspended in mid-air when viewed from across the Jamuna river.thsi is how the Taj is best descrived~ by The emporer himself:

"Should guilty seek asylum here, Like one pardoned, he becomes free from sin. Should a sinner make his way to this mansion, All his past sins are to be washed away. The sight of this mansion creates sorrowing sighs; And the sun and the moon shed tears from their eyes. In this world this edifice has been made; To display thereby the creator's glory".

What amazes me was not the grand complicated architecture. Nor was it the rich colorful culture or the beautiful scenery. What amazed me in a profound unforgetable way when when i walked into the tombstone area, Mumtaj gravestone was a white, nicely carved and engraved stone that stood proudly in the centre of the of the room. It was definitely an object that will catch the visitors' admiration when one walks in. And standing humbly next to its left was a smaller stone. Equally beautiful, but much smaller. It strucked me immediately and i turned to ask my guide: 'Whose is that? why is it so insignificant compared to Mumtaj's tomb?

And he casually shrugged and said 'Oh that's the tomb of the Shah Jahan himself".

Shocked, i asked back 'But he's the big shot who built all these. He should've at least have his tomb made on an equal size? or maybe they could've aligned both the tomb in the centre, instead of one being almost non-visible?!! I mean, how would he feel if he knows that he's being lowly acknowledged when he's dead?' I asked, almost annoyed.

And my guide looked at me and gave me an answer that blew me away: 'But that was precisely his last request. He reminded everybody around him that the Taj Mahal is built for his Mumtaj and that this is ALL ABOUT HER, not him."

I paused and was stunned. Often, we hear of great love stories. Of how much one would do for their loved ones. But how often do you hear of a sacrifice so great that one would push aside his own importance, his legacy, his stories so that the love of his life is placed first before him? How many of us will ever: not only in words but also in action, profess that 'It is all about him/her. Not me.?' Sometimes, it is not just about what you are willing to do or where you are willing to go to prove your love. But it is if you are willing to put yourself Last and put the other person First. The Taj Mahal is a story of love. Not just any ordinary love, but a love that defies ego, a love that defies impossiblities, and a love that is so overwhelming that it puts oneself in an inferior position in comparision to the object of his admiration.

if i die tonight

2008-01-05T23:33:00.000+08:00

i had a very strange dream last night. It was one of those dreams that haunts you long after you wake up and you start getting all obsessed about what it means. You see, i dreamt that i died. Yup, i dreamt that i died and lived again. Strange? Definitely!

The stranger thing about that strange dream is that, i wasn't very bothered by the fact that i DIED. What really bothered me is: I woke up in the morning, had breakfast and casually walked into a bookstore. And guess what was the book-of-the-day on display? Robin Sharma's 'Who will cry when you die?'. As much as i find it freaky, I started really wondering what would ever happen AFTER i die?

Who will be at my funeral?

Would there be friends who will genuinely mourn my loss?

Who would give a speech, what will he/she say?

Have my presence made a difference and will my absence make a difference?

Will my family & friends miss me and think of me fondly?

How do people see me?

Have i been kind? Have i done the right thing? Did i try hard enough?

Have YOU ever thought about it? If there's anything else that's fragile, it would be life. Am i afraid of death? Well, maybe a little. But i fear most for what will happen after i die and to answer the questions i asked above, is not my say. However i am determined to live my life in such a way that i would get the answer to the above questions the way i wanted it to be.

"When you were born, you cry and the world rejoices.
Live your life in such a way that When you die, the world cries and you rejoice."

Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

2007-12-03T17:42:00.001+08:00

This is one of my favourite song. here's the lyrics
********
Will you count me in

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin like a child now
Cause everytime I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I'll always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I'll always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just hmm

And it starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I'll always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holding me tight

Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Wherever you go
Always know
Cause you make me smile even just for a while

Forgiven, not forgotten.

2007-11-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

This is a story of forgiveness and of second chances. A life long story that i shall put all my hope and faith in, for i know, I am forgiven, never forgotten.
(A story especially for those who has made mistakes)

The Prodigal Son (The Modern Day Version)
WHY were they always at each other’s throats? Bill felt as if he hardly knew his son any longer. Josh was demanding the money his mother had left him when she died. That money was for college expenses, and Josh could only have it after he turned eighteen. Now he was eighteen, and he wanted it, but not for college.

“It’s mine, isn’t it?” he had shouted.
“Of course, it’s yours,” his father had replied. “But it’s college money, not play money.”
“I’m not going to play, Dad. I’m just going away.”
“Where? For what?”
“I don’t know, I just want to get out.”

And so the arguments had gone on for weeks. It was only this morning that Bill had made his decision. Long before the sun came up, he went into Josh’s room and sat beside the bed. He didn’t know what time Josh had come in the night before, but the smell of beer suggested it hadn’t been early. Josh hadn’t even undressed. He was sleeping in his jeans.

The father stared at this son’s face for a long time. Years ago when he would come in from business trips, he would pull a chair up beside the bed of his sleeping boy. He’d push back the mop of hair from Josh’s forehead and touch the soft cheeks. Everything seemed so simple then. The biggest challenge was airing up a bicycle tire or catching a fly ball. Now the boy’s earring, the weird haircut. The tattoo . . . it was as if his son lived in a different world, a world the father could not understand—but feared.

“We lost something, Josh,” he said to his sleeping son. “Maybe we never had it. Maybe we buried it with your mom.” Bill’s hand was again on the forehead of his son. By the time Josh awoke, Bill knew what he had to do.

“I’ll give you the money,” he had told Josh at breakfast. “Get your things. I’ll take you to the airport.”
Now as they waited for the plane, Josh interrupted his thoughts.

“Dad, they’re boarding.”
The two walked toward the gate and stopped.
“I guess I’ve got everything,” Josh said quietly as he turned to his father.

What Josh saw next he’d never seen before—and never expected. Tears. Though the father blinked and turned away as if to look out the window, Josh saw them.
*********
Josh plopped on the floor beside the bucket. He looked at the clock on the wall. Three A.M. He was so tired. He’d cleaned the kitchen, washed the bathrooms, done several loads of laundry, and now he was mopping the bunkrooms. He reached to take a cigarette out of his shirt pocket only to find the pocket empty. When you don’t have money, you don’t have cigarettes.

With his back against the wall and his arms resting on his knees, he looked into the semidarkness of the bunkroom. Though he couldn’t see their faces, he could hear their snoring—a room full of drifters and drunks. Some were running away. Some were coming back. But all were dreaming of a better place. All were longing for home.

Of all the places Josh thought he would end up living, a Salvation Army bunkhouse wasn’t one of them. When he had arrived in the city three months ago, he was cocky and rich. The only thing he flashed more than his money was his grin. He bought a car. He rented an apartment. Got new clothes. He had more friends than he could count.

Then came the call from the bank. He was out of money. That night a restaurant refused his credit card. He couldn’t make the payments on the car. The dealer took it back. He sold his stereo. He pawned his jewelry. Someone stole his backpack and his wallet. Every day the circle of friends got smaller. Finally he couldn’t pay the rent. They kicked him out.

Josh spent the next week on the streets—the same streets where he had turned heads with his style. He now turned heads because of his stink. That’s when he heard about this shelter where you could sleep in exchange for ten hours of work.

“Hard to believe I’ve been in this place for a month,” Josh said to himself as he sat on the floor. “A month of dishes and trash cans and cleaning up the vomit of people too drunk to make it to the bathroom.”

For just a moment he allowed his thoughts to drift homeward. Memories of a warm bed. Good meals. Conversations on the porch. He thought of the farm. He thought of his father’s workmen coming in at the end of the week to collect their pay.

“Those guys have it better than I do,” he sighed. “Even the guy who cut Dad’s grass has good meal and a home.”

Funny. Just a few months ago home was a prison with too many rules—a cage holding a bird who wanted to be free. But now Josh was longing for home.

He stood and took a few steps into the bunkroom he was about to clean. Suddenly he saw his face in the mirror. It looked different. He pushed back his hair and stared at the reflection. He saw something he’d never seen before. He saw his dad. He’d been told he looked like his father—but he couldn’t see it. Tonight he did. Same chin. Same nose.

“Dad.” In his mind he saw his father again. In the airport his father’s words hadn’t come, but his tears had. And the tears had said more than any words ever could have. Josh stood straight up and spoke aloud—so loud that the guy in the nearest bunk rolled over. Josh didn’t care.

“I’m going home.”
He put down the mop and bucket and walked out into the night.
***********
Josh's hourney was a long one. Ocassionally he stops along his way and debated with himself whether he should just stay or if he should go home.

What if his father cannot forgive him? Even if he did, how can he forgive himself for the betrayal and hurt he has has caused? What should he say? Where does he start? Why did he get himself into so much mess at the first place?
***********
Josh looked up to the once familiar house and as he looked at it, tears began trickling down his cheek. 'This isn't right' he thought, and turned back and began walking back to the street. And then he hears it. The warm familiar voice calling his name. When he turned aound, he sees the soft, loving face.

When Josh sees his father only feet away and getting closer, he falls to his knees. He tries to speak, but once again the words won’t come. His well-rehearsed speech is forgotten as he throws his arms around his father’s waist. And even before he could apologize, his father said 'Welcome home child'

Ref: Max Lucado, The Gospel of second chances.
***********
I was thanking God today for all the sins that He has forgiven.
I thank Him for forgiving every stumble & tumble.
I thank Him for erasing my past mistakes & letting me know that 'it's ok'
I thank Him for reminding me that it's about time i come home.

"While the son was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt sorry for his son. So the father ran to him and hugged him and kissed him."
-Luke 15:20

Dirty Little Secrets

2007-11-16T11:43:00.000+08:00

We officially had our 3rd bitching session last Tuesday
Attendance: Linda, Jackie, Emelia (who just ended her confinement period & had her first puff of cigarette after a long 10 months pause) & Yours Truly.
Venue: The Kopitiam, Pelangi Damansara

Conclusion of the 3 hours long 'meeting'?

We all have out dirty little secret tucked somewhere.

Have you looked underneath your carpet recently? Gasp!
Or is it there in the deepest corner of your closet? Gasp!
OR does your dirty little secret hide so deep in your heart, (it won't kill other people,because they wont know) that it is eating you up?
Gasp! Gasp! Gasp!

However, It doesn't matter how dirty your secret is. The most important thing is that there is always Forgiveness, there's always Hope. There's always 2nd, maybe 3rd chances. There's always friends who accept your 'dirtiness' & accept you for who you are without passing nasty judgements.

I have also learnt one important thing that night, before i want people to forgive me for my short comings, i have to learn to deal with my secrets and learn to forgive myself. I will not let the dirty little secrets of my past determine my self-worth or my standards. I will move on now, and instead of hiding my secrets underneath the carpet, i shall sweep it out for good.

Is love colorblind?

2007-11-12T22:41:00.001+08:00

This is one of my all time favourite tv advertisement. It features little Tan Hong Ming, a chinese boy who is in love with a pretty little malay girl, Umi Qasrina. To many, this is simply a silly love story. However, the message is strong and clear....

When was the last time that we look at the innocense of our children to teach a life long lesson? Instead of telling them what to do, when was the last time we sat down and say 'teach me!'?

Tan Hong Ming was in love with Umi despite her race... Even the children know it, then why do we still very often discriminate our friends, neigbours or colleagues based on their skin color? If the children understand this, when will we?

P/S: I am against racism!! because RACISM HURTS! Are you?

Slow Dance

2007-11-08T17:50:00.001+08:00

This is probably the most artistic picture i have of myself. And honestly, i love it! It was a candid snap taken by my friend when i was experimenting with the camera. The smile on my face was a genuine one, i was actually trying to capture a picture of 2 frogs jumping in the rain... and i felt so truly blessed to be able to witness such a majectic view. Such simple situation, yet such intense pleasure.When was the last time we stop to thank God for the rain? Or when was the last time we thank God for eyes to see , ears to hear and skin to feel his beautiful creation? I haven't in a long time.. but this picture will become a constant reminder of the beauty of what i am missing.

SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain Slapping the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

Do you run through each day On the fly?

When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores Running through your head?

You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste, Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time To call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away.

Life is not a race. Take it slower , Hear the music Before your song is over.

Isn't it Ironic?

2007-11-06T19:11:00.000+08:00

It was one of those peaceful quiet day when i was in the swimming pool doing my one evening laps. As i was there and just sitting around, i saw a bunch a teenagers and some men just chatting among themselves. I relaxed for a bit and told myself what a beautiful day it was. After relaxing for a few long minutes, i took off of my halter and with a swoosh, i jumped into the pool. Without a pause, i began my lapses. One, two, three.... an on my 10th laps, duck up to catch my breath.

I couldnt help but noticed how a few eyes were following me and how they all smiles in admiration.. I for once, was so absorb in self-praise that i was literally grinning at everyone around me. Well duhh, it was the condominium's swimming pool and most peple are not serious swimmers so for a bit, i was queen of waterland!

After a short rest, i jumped back into my show-off drama and began swimming and doing more lapses, this time, One, two, tree, four... and suddenly there it was, the sudden swooshing sound catching up with me, and i saw him. This guy who was swimming way faster than i am and he was overtaking me, laps by laps and i knew i was way behind him. For a while i swam faster and tried to catch up. i tried so hard that my lungs hurts and i can feel that my legs were going to get a cramp attack.

And for one humbling moment, i saw it:

Life's like that, there's always someone slower. When we think that our life sucks big time and no body else can stoop as low as we could, always remember ~ someone else is in pain, someone else is in debt, someone else is having a bad day, someone else is hurting too. And then, there's also, always someone faster. Someone who has more, someone's who's prettier, smarter, richer, slimmer. Just when you throught you're invincible and when you are about to walk with your head up high, remember always, someone, somewhere is still ahead of you.

AND always, always, remember how life's a big irony sometimes:Do refer to my all time favourite, Alanis Morrissette: Ironic lyrics here.

"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right. And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up In your face."

Now you tell me, isn't it Ironic?

The bitch next door

2007-10-30T13:15:00.000+08:00

I met up up with Linda and Jackie for a get-together (laymen term:bitching session) yesterday after work.

As we were updating each other on our usual 'life stories', Linda casually mentioned how hurt she is by her ex-bestfriend, who actually talked about why Linda isn't pregnant even after being married for 6 months, in front of some colleagues. You see, Linda wants to start a family and the talks and gossips about the 'whys' & the 'whens' isn't helping!!! This ex-bestfriend of hers will also always compare what she has with Linda (who has the richer husband, the nicer bag, fairer skin) and say the nastiest thing.

Talking about bitches. I see them as a simple creature~not all as complicated as many may think. I believe that people who talks about another person in a degrading manner usually have one sole purpose: to cover up for her own weaknesses and her own underachieverments. She somehow believes that when another person looks bad, she then, in comparison, will look like the better of the two. But in reality, she is just a sore looser who doesn't shine or achieve in any way. A person who finds the nastiest thing to say about another person, is usually just a pure case of expressing her own insecurities.

You see, I have been the BITCH too. and i have been BITCHED about. The reality is: Whether we like it or not. These bitches exist and a bitch attack lurks in every corner of our lives. To get angry and defensive can be a waste of effort and energy, while ignoring them can simply mean that you're allowing them to destroy your relationships and reputation. One suggestion is: Let us make today the 'WORLD'S BITCHES DAY' ~ walk up to that bitch who has been looking for your weaknesses and tap her on her back and simply offer her a kind word. Because you know, her life is pathetic enough to be wasted digging on other people's dirty laundry! And you know too, that you're actually pretty important, because someone is putting so much effort on you!

And when you feel like being a bitch today~ before you go around feeling like today is a good day to attack one poor soul, think again! Is is neccesary? Does making that poor soul feel ugly really make you feel beautiful?

P/S: I am no angel, and i too, have bitched about poeple around me. And to these poeple who has been hurt or annoyed at my nasty remarks, i am truly sorry~ because i haven't mean to cause hurt. AND to the people who have bitched about me... you are sincerely forgiven.

A Dream Come True

2007-10-26T18:24:00.000+08:00

Today feels like a total 'whatever-the-word-is'... AWESOME!

So i went to 'my dream home' auction.

Venue: Kevin Roy (M) S/B- public Auctioneer , off Jalan Peel
Time: 2.30pm (bidding starts)
For: Duplex, Corner lot, Armanee Condo II
Reserve Price: RM290,000.00
Market PRice: RM450,00.00

5 people registered.
2 changed their mind last minute.
2 was stuck in the traffic jam and only arrived 5 or 10 minutes to 3pm.
And guess who's the lucky bastard?

:) *Grin*

First thing i did was Rizal to tell him the news, and then I called Linda and said: "Thank God I made a public apology to GOD in my last post. GOD must have heard and said 'What the heck?! I'll let her have it her way this time... what a brat!!"

This is a dream come true, thanks to You know Who! ~I love you God!

Ask and Thou Shall Receive

2007-10-26T10:58:00.000+08:00

This week has been a challanging , mind boggling, faith testing week for me. I was in and out of my emotional roller coaster situation, hence, the lack of sleep & inability to concentrate~ even in a decent gossip session.

You see, I am buying a house!
And to those of you, who is, financially challenged, like me, would know the sleepless nights of making that BIG decision.

This condominium that i am buying is one hell of a home! I fell in love with it since day 1 and have prayed to God that someday i shall own this home. Unfortunately the price of RM500,00.00 is way beyond my budget & i know there's no point dreaming of something i can't get. However,I prayed and i prayed and I PRAYED!! AND suddenly, one friend of mine who is a property agent (she didn't know i like that particular property), casually mentioned that there's an auction for this property that she's in charge on.... and guess what.. Waaalahhh!!! MY dream house! and the starting bid price is RM290,00.00!

And this is the difficult part..

IF i don't get the house, i'm letting go of my dreams
IF i get the house, i'll have a bank loan and i will officially be in debt.
Now, that's one hell of a decision to make.

Coincidentally, I was reading reading through my friend Linda's blog this morning, and saw this:'Thou Shall Pray' . You see Linda, I prayed so hard & got my prayers answered. But then it hit me:

ME: Should i get this property? it's like almost half the price?!! Ohhh..*moan* *groan* What should i do?!!
GOD: What the hell? But you asked for it didn't you?!!!
ME: EEermm... i was kindda kidding! No, what i meant was... i dont know if i really mean it! But God, see, when i was praying i was kindda already half asleep so pardon me for not finishing the sentence. You see, I forgot one little tiny thing to add up to my prayer..
GOD: Oh, and what's that?
ME: ... Well, i was going to ask for that house at a really GREAT discount, but i will also need some cash?? *Grin*... could you help me strike the lottery today? OR maybe you can come up with a plot where i found a pot of gold while gardening?
GOD: Hahaha...you must be kidding me!
ME: Well, you're GOD aren't you?

Well, i guess, many a times, I shall pray! Yes, i shall pray, but i shall also learn to Let Go and Let God. (thank you, Linda, for your God sent message : Thou Shall Pray) Too many a times, instead of asking humbly from God, I Demanded! Instead of letting him do HIS thing at HIS own time, I start questioning his actions and start throwing a tantrum. Often, i told HIM to take care of me and that i shall let him do the job.... but still, i tug on to that end of the rope and refuse to fully trust that He's doing the right thing for me. Simply because i thought i was too clever!

So this officially an apology letter to GOD: I know i have been a real brat & i know it isn't easy dealing with a drama queen like me. However, i shall try my best to trust you a bit more~ i have proven over over that i can be a total idiot when it comes to handling my life, so here you go GOD.

Is he still my Father?

2007-10-24T21:48:00.000+08:00

What i am going to write about today is going to be very personal, but a lot of times, i tell myself that what makes me vulnerable oftens makes me stronger. And the fact is, hiding my fears and hurt is taking it nowhere.

I was reading through Yvonne Foong's blog and there's one post in particular that got me interested. Read 'He's still my father'. And as i read on, i detected an emotion of hers that was similar to mine. However, i had my own point of view, of which, contradicts hers.

Here's some lines that i have to quote from 'He's still my father'

".....I have learned to sometimes avoid my father. Not because I dislike him, but to avoid feeling hurt and resentful....For once, I thought, perhaps they were right. No matter how bad my father treats us sometimes, he is still my father."

I have read countless articles on forgiving, cried and laugh at many.

I heard heard countless lectures and tips on how to forgive and forget. The WHYs, the HOWs, the WHOs, the WHENs, and the WHEREs.

I was even made to believe that "Thou shall honour thy father and they mother", and by going against that one commandment, i am dishonouring God.

But why is it then, that i cannot find it in my heart, the ability to forgive my father?

A friend of mine once told me that he will no matter what, still be my father, biologically. And that i shall be thankful that he is practically the reason i exist.

My Questions (of which i desperately need an answer to): "Does the act of 'donating your sperms' make you a father? How do one really define fatherhood? If say, a person adopts a child, takes care of it and love the child unconditionally, does that make him less a father than the real father of the child? How do we define REAL fathers anyway? And if a man sleeps around and made a lady pregnant and leaves, does he deserve to be called a father? ~ it's his sperms anyway! Can the child then, grow up not knowing his irresponsible father, be forced to accept the notion of 'If it wasn't for him, you will ever be here'?

Yes i know, 'THOU SHALL HONOUR THY FATHER' , but this 'father' man we are talking about is the man who left his wife and 3 young children when they needed him most. this was the man whom my mother has caught womanizing countless times. This is the man who is the sole reason why we had to endure countless racist remarks from my mom's family (You see, my mom was the only child who marries a non-chinese & my grandma was against the marriage). This was the man who disaapeared for 10 years without a single telephone call, a single letter or a visit. Did he care if we were well, or did he even care if we were alive? Oh, how could i have failed to mention this? This father of mine disappeared from his family for 10 years, and i accidentally bumped into his in town one day drunk and clad with beautiful women. He has it all ~ money, fame & all the women he can have. And he didn't recognized his daughter.

He may have everything he wanted in this world. The wealth, the glamor, the fun. But one thing he can never have,God forbid, is his family.... and especially his daughter.

Were they right when they say 'No matter how bad my father treats me sometimes, he is still my father."? Is he? Maybe? Maybe Not. Maybe, one fine day, i shall find my peace with him. However, before that peace comes, i shall treat him civilizely like a human being~and i feel totally nothing for him. I am also tired of being angry and bitter because being angry at him is a total waste of time and energy. Nobody can tell me to either forgive, love or even like him because to me, a 'Father' isn't a position that you are automatically entitled to (simply because your sperms did the job!), BUT being a father is a position you earn from loving your children unconditionally.

Now you tell me, Is he still my father?

the 3 people you'd bring to heaven

2007-10-21T12:48:00.000+08:00

"If it is the end of the world and you have only 3 people to bring with you to heaven, who would it be?"

This was a rather peculiar question my friend Chris asked me today during a casual chat. I gave it a short thought and here is the exact list of who i'd bring to heaven with me:

1. Mommy 2. Venessa( My sister & soul mate 3. Victoria(My baby sister) 4. Rizal (My boyfriend) 5. Joel(my 4 years old baby nephew) 6. My Grandma

But if i had have to chose 3 names out of 6. I can't, i just CANNOT. If i have chosen the first 3, does it mean that i have loved no.4, no.5 & no.6 less? Are they less significant in my life? Are they less important? How about the names i did not even mention? Was there going to be a no.7 or no. 8? Yes, because i would have thought of my closest friends ~ simply because i wouldn't be who i am or where i am today without them. There would be Nasa, Serina, Marilyn, Loneo, Azim, Shone, Adelin, Dayang, Lisa, Jeremy, Jennifer, Joe, Del, Linda~ people who appeared at different chapters of my life. Even then, if i were to number them, would i for example, would have loved Nasa more than Serina?

Now, Who would you bring to heaven with you? Who would your 3 names be? Would you have loved anyone above the rest? Or would you, like me, have loved many?

Sentimentally Silly

2007-10-19T11:08:00.000+08:00

I was in a mood to write today. But before i started, i did my usual of browsing thorugh my favourite blogs. And instead of a normal 'browse through', i ended up reading at least 20 of 'Yasmin Ahmad's~The Storyteller' writing and one of her post in particular, got me interested. Read: http://yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com/2004_08_01_archive.html

I was amazed at how, even though, i have read it again and again, her sentiment has always hit that one soft spot of mine. Here's something i'd like to share:

In reference to the film 'Sepet' by Yasmin Ahmad ~

The film acknowledges that, while some people might insist that we moderate our actions according to notions of social acceptability, we are ruled by our natural instincts. You don't have to understand people to love them. You like who you like, and you shouldn't have to justify your feelings to anyone else.

I was going to write today, but instead, i sat down and wept.

I wept for the times when i stood up for love and then let the bigger minds stomp me senseless- and then gave up.

I wept for the times when i was ashamed of my own strength.

I wept for the times when i allow my believes and my stands in life to collapse simply bacause it is too difficult to go against the waves of popularity and majority.

I wept because I too have lost hope in true, genuine love~the love that i shall never need to make sense of, and the love i shall never understand. The love which i do not need to explain.

I wept because i too have live, love and lost.

I will weep today for what is lost. And i shall remind myself daily, that i will not loose what i still have.

This is to you Yasmin, for being such a lovely and gentle Reminder.

May God Bless You!

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show feat. Justin Timberlake

2007-10-17T16:38:00.001+08:00

And for once, dont you just wish you were skinny?

P/s: Gotta thank Elvina @ http://www.emmade.blogspot.com/ for getting me all hyped up out this fashion show thingy. Have always been a BIG BIG fan of these VS shows!

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2006

2007-10-17T16:36:00.001+08:00

I especially love this particular show because it has that 'Christmas-sy' feeling. Now, who says Christmas can't be sexy?

Simple Philosophy

2007-10-17T15:14:00.000+08:00

I have a simple philosophy.
Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
Scratch where it itches.

~Alice Roosevelt Longworth~

Silent nights, holy night.

2007-10-16T04:12:00.000+08:00

I was just listening to 'Silent night' on my all time favourite christmas CD when it struck me 'Silent night, holy night, All is calm, all is bright, round yon virgin mother and child......' and there it was. Is a silent night a holy one? or is a holy night a silent one? If a holy night is a silent one 3000 years ago, could it still apply now?

i have always wondered why people have got to talk excessively during a friendly little get together. Is a party (or anything of that sort) incomplete without the yapping and giggling? The wierder thing is, as much as i have question like these posed in the clouds of my mind, I constantly find myself indulging in this strange habit.

I was at a friends' birthday party 2 days ago and everyone else there were strangers to me. I was feeling extremely fatigued from work that i decided to sit in a little corner on my own and just stare into nothing. Then a lady came and approach me and started asking 3000million irrelavant questions and at one point, i was trying to hold back the monster in me that is just waiting to jump at her and tell her to shut the f**k up.

I can see from her face that she was just trying to have a good time, talk, meet people etc.
However, does shutting up and just sitting in your own cosy litle corner and indulging in the beat of your favourite music make you wierd? Does it make you anti-social

I remembered when i was 15, just Dayang and I sitting on a playground, with a beer in our hand and the beauty of it is... that there were no conversation, no 'let me try to impress you statements' , no judgements... just pure silence. It was indeed, the most comfortable feeling in the world.

Yes, i do somehow believe that words can be beautiful, the kind words, the encouragements, the support. I must admit the times when i was so down and all i could think of doing is rushing into Nasa's office to simply let her know how i felt. And i knew that there, i shall find the greatest of all comfort. However, the long pause after a full blown hour of bitching becomes the highlight of the moment . Simply being there and knowing that very moment, i have got a friend who'd hang on to me through my ups and down and knowing that i did not have to tell her how i really feel and when all we did was held hands, cried and share a mutual emotion was the best comfort in the whole wide world.

Maybe, Before you can find comfort in the beauty of words, we'd probably need to learn to live the with the comfort of silence. Maybe, before we can face the world with the highest of pride and confidence, we should be able to live with our own silence and our own peace, because, our highest strength comes from within.

And so they say, Silence is Golden. And now i've learnt that A little silence definitely goes a long way.

Closer to paradise

2007-09-07T13:46:00.000+08:00

(Pic: Joe, Linda, Mommy & I~ All smiles)

(Pic: With mommy~ Bumpiest boat ride ever, Pulau Manukan, Sabah) I have always thought to myself. Does a destination make the people, or does the people make the destination?

When i was younger, i swore to myself that one day, i shall travel the world. I wanted to feel, see and smell the paradises in the many travel magazines i have collected.

I wanted to be on the Eiffel, and like in the magazines, I would like to be in love with Paris. I would like to walk hand in hand with the love of my life & sip coffee & have a nice warm chocolate crossaint. The magazines tell it all. Paris means love, Paris means Romance.

I wanted to be in Casablanca, Morocco. The magazines wrote all about it. The sun, the sea, the serenity. The epitome of all peacefulness. (Pic: With dear Rizal... Life jacket's compulsory!)

And the was the destination of it all. Beautiful Brazil. Rio De Janeiro, The land where God keeps and eye on. It's amazing how i longed to be beneath the statue of Christ The Redeemer in Corcovado & join in the colorful festival of The Carnaval-Brazils' biggest party! The dancing, the contagious rythm, the crowd. I would love to visit the sandy beaches and learn their colourful culture.

This reminds me of my one very first travel advantures during my students' day. With very little money in my pocket (believe me, it was impossibly little!), my good friend Azimah (Too bad that i do not have a picture of her online, or else, i'll post it on every of my blog. Ode to the serial adventurer & rule-breaker/maker!!! Love u tons Azim!!!) and myself have decided to have a little vacation in Sabah. I counted every penny that flows out of my purse the month prior to the vacation, and saving every penny was a pain!! There was the air tickets, the hotel, the land-travel, the food, the shopping to have a headache about. AND surprisingly, we did have a way good time during out little trip. Airlines was budget, we stayed in a cheap tiny inn for RM50.00 per night, ate street food, travelled quite a bit via buses for about RM20.00 per person. We even managed to go 'cheap' snorkeling! hahahaha... Just because we couldn't spend unneccesarily and hiring snorkeling gear and going through the legal resorts were expensive, it didn't dampen out spirit, we decided to go snorkeling anyway!

We ended up hiring snorkeling gears (without a life jacket) from an illegal philipino boatman, whose name was Bison (i am going to remember him for life!). He was kind enough to bring us for a boat ride (in a small boat without a license) to his little Philipino village called Pulau Gaya. He didn't even just let use the snorkeling gear and throw us in the waters, he also (pain-stakingly) went into the waters with us and taught us how to snorkel!! He was a very kind-hearted person and up till today (even though it has been 5 years), i still occasionally wonder where he is or if he's doing fine. i have always wished him well.

It is amazing that there were times when we bump into people ~ just a blur face or an insignificant soul who will leave big impact in our lives. Sometimes, even the nicest gesture from a stranger in a foreign land makes a whole load of difference!

Well, i have been to some places. Places that was top rated in magazines and some places that the world hasn't heard of. And surprisingly, the best places in the world isn't made of the place itself, literally, but instead, a place can be pure heaven when you have the right company.

I now realize also that it wasn't Paris or Morrocco that i would want to be in love with. I guess, what i want to be in love with is that guy who would hold my hand as we walk along the romantic streets of France or the group of freinds who'd spend the the sunny afternoon sharing beers and sharing lives basked in the wonderful sunshine of Morocco. It really isn't about the wonderful paintings or the wonderous sight of the Great Wall of China, but it really, is about the person standing next to me, standing in equal admiration & that we'd know that we'll be sharing this moment and memories and will still talk about this very moent, say, 10 years from now!

My point is, what makes 'Paradise' Paradise? The tourist attractions? The weather? The atmosphere? I simply believe, it is the PEOPLE. Both the people you're with and the welcoming smiles of the natives.

(Pic: Plain Crazy!~ Kota Kinabalu Sabah)

YES OF COURSE as long as...

2007-08-13T10:34:00.000+08:00

I had a fight with my sister Venessa recently and after 25 years of bickerings, clothes-stealings, punchings and sidekicks, and after 7 years of living 3000 million miles apart, AND here we go again...

Come to think about it, these fights can be hilarious and sometimes, it becomes a talk topic of which we'll laugh about say 5 years later. However, on a more serious note, i honestly hope and pray to God that these petty fights will never, God forbid, bring us apart.

It is funny when we have a long hard look at reality. Our human nature sometimes brings out the worst in us. We fight with our colleagues, our friends, our family, our spouses. OF course we're buddies when it's all sunny, wbut when the coulds starts rolling in, would we still be buddy?!

I tell Vanessa that she's my bestest ever sister, my greatest confidante and that i'd give my life for her. But say, IF once day, when she's sick and helpless, would i leave everything i have and take care of her? Or if i'm broke, would she share with me what she has even if that meant she'd struggle with her own life? When i am not sick or broke and when things are fine, often, we say things we dont mean. But have we considered depth of seriousness of what we are saying?

For instance,

As a good child, do you promise to love and take care of your family, keep them together and be a strong hold and support your parents in all their undertakings? Would you be a good example to your siblings and guard their well-being?
YES OF COURSE!

As a friend, would you promise to be a good shoulder to cry on and a lending ear, stick with them through thick and thin? Would you put yourself before others?
YES OF COURSE!

As a spouse, would you remain faithful to your partner and stay together not only during times of abundance and happiness, but also though times of pain, sickness, proverty and trials? Would you promise to honor your vows on your relationship?
YES OF COURSE!

YES OF COURSE as long as it's convenient.
YES OF COURSE as long as it isn't about money, again!
YES OF COURSE as long as it benefits me.
YES OF COURSE as long as it's not painful.
YES OF COURSE as long as they remain beautiful or handsome.
YES OF COURSE as long as they keep their figure.
YES OF COURSE as long as the bills are paid.
YES OF COURSE as long they stay healthy.
YES OF COURSE as long as no one more exciting looks our way.
YES OF COURSE as long as it suits me.

Many a times, I too say things i didn't mean. OF course i would.... as long as....
And the 'as long as' usually kills the whole meaning of the sentence.
Probably it is time when we stop saying our 'YES OF COURSE' if it doesn't end with a full stop. When will we ever learn that every word that comes out of our mounth means something to somebody? When will we ever learnt that there are people who puts some level of hope in our promises? When will we ever learn that everything we say comes with a consequence?

However, Venessa, would i still be your bestest sister when you're sick, broke and helpless...?
YES OF COURSE!

ALONE?

2007-08-10T12:44:00.000+08:00

Thank you God, for never leaving me ALONE.
Even when i have long left you.
For the God who has never given up on me even when the world has turned its bck
For the God who knows, For the God who feels.
For the God I have not seen his Face yet knew he IS
For MY GOD.

In the cool of the night, There's nobody in sight
As you sing a quiet song, Another night all alone

You walk thru the mall, See couples enthralled
Holding hands as they walk, Gazing deep as they talk

By the store window you stand
An answer you demand
In a soul searching tone"Why am I alone?"

At night no one cuddles along by your side
An empty passenger seat stares at you as you ride
Your favorite movie is playing on cable
One meal stands alone at your dinner table

Again you ask to what seems empty air
Why there's no one to listen, no one to share
My dreams and my hopes, As I'm climbing the ropes
Even in victory, It's still just me
Who stands in the light, No partner in sight
Why must I walk in complete solitude?
Why must the master be so rude?
Is it too much to ask?Is that too hard a task?
To have someone with whom to share
Someone about whom I really care
Someone to mingle my life
Someone to ease the strife

You stand in the window thinking it's only me
A ship by itself in the midst of the sea
Open your eyes and gaze hard in the glass
See what's really true about now and the past

If you ride all alone and no one is there
How do you explain the car that you missed by a hair
You felt something pull you in the nick of time
For the tragedy on the news could have been thine

Or the time that you were up against the wall
And didn't know how you'd make it at all
Up all night you didn't know what to do
But at the very last moment came the breakthrough

Remember the thing that scared you so bad
Terrible thoughts of what you had
Then the report that reached your ear
No need to worry for all was clear

And the little voice that gave you advice
The voice that was right more than once or twice
It urges you on and sometimes says stop
Slow down be careful, around that corner's a flop

Gaze in the window, See what eyes cannot
Look hard, see the shadows, Look hard at the plot
A brush of wind around you clings
Unseen but felt, those are angels' wings
The movement seen from the corner of your eye
Angels that catch each tear that you cry

If you knew the truth you’d wonder out loud
How could I have been lonely in the midst of this crowd?
For God has sent you a host of protectors,Directors, objectors, connectors, inspectors.

As you leave the window to continue your stroll
Invisible hands are there for you to hold
How could you have ever been so wrong
To think that God would leave you alone?

Your eyes open as you move down the mall
You were never one in the sea, You simply couldn't see reality.
If you knew the loving and caring that surrounds
If you knew the warmth and softness that abounds
If you knew the truth about what really is
You’d see the hands that catch all of your tears , been there for you all these years!

ref: www.mountainwings.com

BIG Questions

2007-08-08T15:48:00.000+08:00

It has been exactlly a month since i last wrote and a trillion events have ran, walked and crawled by since the last 4 weeks.

When i think of it, someday good days allows you to blog forever

Yet most good days helps you forget about your blogs.

I write when i am inspired. I write when i am emotionally imbalanced (yes, i know it's strange) but writing when i have that hint of emotion in me, helps me express myself better. I write when i am happy, i write when i am sad but my blog is just simply a blog. Writing helps me express the things i cannot say, and honestly, at most times, certain things are just not best suited for words. And sometimes i wonder; if i stop writing, or if i stop expressing myself in the best way i feel, would i live a life less-inspired ? Would i become a emotionless person? Or would i just simply die off? OF course, spiritually i mean.

I have perhaps come to a point when there are too many questions to answer. Questions that i have ignored for the rest of my life. I would probably need to stop at where i am and start looking into these questions and find an asnwer to them.

So here's my BIG question:

1) if God really exist, then why does he divide us into colors and races? if he is a GOD that unites and loves, then why did he send his messages and good news only to ppl of certain parts of the world? God (i supposed the Gods of almost all religion) forbids racism, discrimination, biasness... then why, WHY does he create race, colors and religion at the first place? Why are Africans black? Or why are the chinese yellow? Why are Americans white?

2) if a certain religion claims it's superiority, or should i say, aunthenticity, and say if this religion claims that if one does not go to heaven UNLESS you are a part of this religion, then, for example, a boy who lived in the middle of nowhere, never heard of civilation and still worship trees, what happen to him? Does he go to hell for not being 'aware'?

3) if a person, say Amy, has lived her live serving others & have helped thousands of people through her sacrificial act BUT does not believe in GOD, per se, what happens to her? Likewise, if a person, say Jane, believes in a GOD, never misses her prayers, but in most of her spare time, sit around and throw hurtful gossips at others, but still ask for repentance during her prayer time, does she still deserve heaven?

These are just probably questions... and i will probably never find my answer.

Money,Money,Money,Money.

2007-07-03T12:12:00.000+08:00

I was sitting in my office the whole morning, trying hard to concentrate. However, all i think about is... MY BANK ACCOUNT!

It is wierd, come to think of it, how people worry when they have very little money and then still worry when they have more than enough. We tell ourselves that we would be happier when we have enough. But how much is enough? Will the enough today still be enough tomorrow?

3 years back, when i was still in school, money is a HUGE issue, always. I worry about my RM300 house rent, my RM100 gym fees, bills, food, my once a month shopping budget (with the rule of RM100 per month- and accumulation is allowed). My tiny budget parameter of RM800.00 is almost unbearable. I go haywire all the time and by the 20th of the month, i basically live on a cup of starbucks' caramel machiato as my breakfast+ lunch+ dinner+supper! So that's like RM13.00 for a whole day's meal! Then i would always groan and complain to my friends that my life would be a little better if i have enough.

It has been 3 years since. Now my earnings and expense parameter has widen. Compared to the mere RM800.00 per month budget, my expenditure now had 4folds. Still, i worry about my home repayment, my over-the-top car repayment, my glamorous gym fee, my shopping spree that becomes chaotic and uncontrolable, my once a year travel, my food etc.... and then i found myself back in Starbucks, drinking my breakfast + lunch + dinner+ supper away.

Tell me one thing, show me a person who doesn't worry about money, and i'll show you a liar.

I knew a person who's a multi millionaire and i know he still works like hell. Why? Probably when people like me work like hell for a decent 200 thousand dollars condo, he works like hell for that 7 million dollars beachfront banglo.

When i didnt have money, i wished for a car that can brings me around, be it 2nd hand or 3rd hand- as long as it moves. And then when i have a little it more money, i went looking a new car, a local cheap car will do. After a while, my wallet got fatter and i wanted something more comfortable, more reliable. And now, i want something a little bit more. Comfortable and reliable wont do.... i want glamour, I want style, I want to fit in.... Now, where does it end?

Sighh......

Father's Day Blues

2007-06-15T15:18:00.000+08:00

Today is Father's Day. Right after work, i rushed to the shopping mall near my workplace and started searching for something nice to buy. A present, something expensive, perhaps. Or maybe just something rare and meaningful.

As i walk along i spotted something from the shop's window and i knew that would be the most perfect father's day gift ever created. I immediately went into the shop and looked at the make-up set. An Estee Lauder. Summer Collection. A classic tale of beauty. And i knew immediately that this Father's day, i want to make my mom feel beautiful again!! Yes, i know also that beauty isn't all about what's outside, but what really, is inside. But because my mom is already beautiful both ways, i just think that this would be a gesture to let her know that she's beautiful and always will be.

And on that nicely wrapped gift set, i attached a small card saying 'Happy Fathers' Day, MOMMY! You're an excellent dad.'

I remembered the times when i was younger. My friends would asked me politely 'how does it feel to be without a dad? Do you feel unloved? Leftout? Do you feel something missing in your life?' ... these question oftens hangs above me like an intimidating cloud, of which i have no answers to. And many a times, I would feel sad that I am in fact, an incomplete person simply because I do not have a father. Nope, i wont have a father to rescue me when i have a flat tire. And i wont have a father to buy father's day gift for. I have never had a father who will fix the broken lights or sand the old cupboard. However, neither did i have to face a father's harsh treatment, or a man's egoistic and autocratic ways. I have never grown up listening to harsh, loud words or trashings and I was never forced to do things according to another person's opinion (like most my friends have). I grew up in an environment where there's always hugs and kind words, gentle support. Flat tires, call the mechanic. Broken lamps? The next door uncle is available. And because we have a houseful of girls only, we can even run around naked-literally!

Looking back, I realized i do have the answers to the questions from my friends. 'how does it feel to be without a dad? Do you feel unloved? Leftout? Do you feel something missing in your life?' NOPE, NOPE, NOPE. I may not have a father. But i have a supermom. She was and is my mom, my dad, my bestfriend. And if she fills the blanks of needing a person call 'dad' and does everything perfectly and flawlessly, why do i need to feel incomplete?

Lastly, again, Happy Father's Day Mommy! With you as a father, who would need a real father?

P/s: This post is dedicated to the sweetest Winnie Tan Yang Hong - My fat5her,mother and freind.

In Memory of Uncle Loga

2007-06-13T11:00:00.000+08:00

(Pic:The Alletcats during one of their concerts. )

It was a typical Wednesday morning and i was on my way to work when i got a phone call from my friend Jeya. I haven't heard from him in ages (we used to be university mates) so i was pleasently surprised to get his call. However, the reason for his call was to tell me that Vig's father has just passed away and he would like us to come over to attend the funeral in Penang (which is an hour plane ride away)

Anyway, Vig's father happens to be Loga, from the Alleycats, a group which is BIG in Malaysia. They have been around for over 30 years and have since then stayed strong in the music industry. Now, i am not gonna blab about how famous the Alleycats are bla...bla..bla... cuz the press and tabloids have done their job.

(Pic: Vignesh performing an Indian ritual during the funeral )

When i arrived Penang a fews hours later, i went directly to Vig's house, even though the funeral ceremony isn't until the next morning. Throughout my whole journey, i keep thinking about what i should or should not say, what do i need to do, how can i face aunty Susan (Vig's mom). A million questions raced through my head as i am just not very good at funerals.

When i arrived, i went directly to Aunty Susan and gave her a hug. Instead of a tearful greeting, she hugged me back, brought me to the open coffin and said 'isn't he handsome?' She smiled back and me and said, 'wow, you've grown so beautiful!' I handed her my gift and in spite of her sorrow, she gleam and said 'I always knew you'd make it someday, just have confidence in yourself. Things will turn out just fine.'. I was indeed taken aback. Here it was, a woman who has just lost the love of her life, and still she stayed positive for the sake of the people around her. She remained a tower a strength for her children, Vig & Dasha, and offers comforting arms to her in-laws, relatives and friends. And for that flicker of moment, i thought to myself, How was it right? The one who needed comfort was the one comforting? And i realized that it take a lot of stregth to be in her shoe.

And there it was, My closest friends back in uni, Jeya (and his girlfriend, Bum), Gops (and his girlfriend, Aneeta), Vig (and his girlfriend Naomi) and Myself (and Rizal) awkwardly looking at each other. After 2 years of total silence, we were brought together again, by a rather unpleasant circumstance. And as we were leaving, i said to the bunch of 'monkeys' as i call them 'Hey, we should meet up more often' and Vig jokingly said 'Yeah, better, i hope the next time we have another reunion isn't when somebody's parents' dead.'

For that one moment, i feel like bursting into tears. Why do we start appreciating our friends or family members only when something terrible happens? Why do reunions so often happens during a funeral? Could it be that many times, the dead dies & let go so that they can bring the alive together? And often, the 'Thank Yous' and 'I am Sorries' and 'I love yous' were presented to an open coffin. Many times, we pray for the dead and ignore the living. When will we ever learn that If you don't re-connect that broken tie now, you may never ever re-connect it, ever.

( Pic: (left) Rizal & I, in the queue to pay our respect to uncle Loga for one last time (right) The coffin of Uncle Loga being brought to the Cemetary )

P/s: May God Bless Uncle Loga's Soul and keep him at peace.

Being Bidayuh

2007-05-30T12:25:00.001+08:00

Someone asked me once 'How does it feel to be Bidayuh?'

I thought that was a rather peculiar question. I mean, how does it feels to be what? Bidayuh? You mean, how does it feel like that i am not popped out into this world to a pair of chinese parents, or an indian couple? Or would it way cooler if i was born in France and grow up amongst great artist & poet? Well, I am sure it would be cool in some ways, but for now, i guess i am thankful and am quite happy about just being simply... bidayuh.

But still, How does it feel to be Bidayuhs? Hmmm....

Well, firstly, the Bidayuhs are also known as the Land Dayaks, meaning, they used to be nomads that lives from one hillside to another, living solely on plantation (Unlike the Ibans, the Sea Dayaks, who lives by the sea and lives solely on thier 'catch of the day'). They originate from the Kalimantan, which is the Indonesian Land that borders Sarawak and speak their own unique Bidayuh languages - which doesn't sound like anything else, so it's hard to explain what they sound like! Eventually the Bidayuh settled in the jungle and decided to build proper long houses which can house like 20 family and the headman will become the leader of the troop.

The Bidayuhs are also known for their warrior audacity. In a war, a Bidayuh man's status is judged by the numbers of skulls hung on the ceiling just before entering their houses. The more skulls you have, the higher your warrior rank!

Bidayuhs are mainly Pagans or animist and they believe in ancestral worship and they also believe in the ancient spirits or nature. Due to that, they would have big celebrations like the Gawai (June 1st ) which is a celebration to please the padi spirit for good harvest. They would also hold small praise and worship sessions occasionally to the River and Jungle spirits to cure illness and ward of bad luck. However, at least 50% of the Bidayuh community have converted into Christianity since the arrival of missionaries into Sarawak.

Being the people of colorful culture, the bidayuh have their own cultural dresscode (which , in the modern days, are only worn during festivities and celebrations) They have their own cultural dance and they play thier own culturul music which comprises of a set of gongs. (Pic inset: A dance performance by a group of Bidayuh lass). The Bidayuh are generally very softspoken people. While the men are proud and strong, the women are more gentle, less outspoken and would usually shy away from strangers and outsiders. The bidayuhs staple food is rice but in a lot of places, wild-sago became their staple food.

Sadly, the longhouses, the costumes, the languages, the war, the worships, that was all THEN. As Sarawak grew into a city and modernization took over, most Bidayuhs have moved into the city and with inter racial marriages, most Bidayuh are not purely Bidayuh anymore. Myself for instance, with my mom being chinese and that having lived in the city all my life, I speak more English and chinese compared to Bidayuh and I have unfortunately only mastered 60% of the launguage. I do not own a Bidayuh Costume and do not have the gift of dancing, so there goes my culture. I cannot ever swallow a chunk of sago so if you place me in my village for a week and expect me to eat, I'd probably not eat at all or risk death by choking. The chances of me meeting and marrying a Bidayuh man is so slim (the population is so small) that I will not be surprised that even my kids will loose all Bidayuh features and will not be able to speak the language.

The Bidayuh race faces the danger of extinction in a radical way. And yet, most times, i forgot my duty, being at least half bidayuh to ensure that I uphold the culture. I took for granted, like most people, that I am bidayuh and there's nothing i can do about it. A lot of times, i look at my family and is sadden by the fact that half my cousins cannot speak the language and carry features of other races. And with this, i told myself that I will try harder to learn more about my people and to get in touch with my roots.

And if ever the Bidayuh faces their time of extinction and non-existance, I will remember this blog of mine and remember that I will always be proud to be a Bidayuh.